Before The Dawn
by Bunnylass
Summary: AU. Jesse/Suze POV. Fluff/Angst. Jesse gets drafted back to the war, having to leave behind the life he and Suze have created together.
1. Chapter 1

_**Disclaimer:**_ Mediator and all it's character's belong to Meg Cabot. Don't own the song either :)

_**Rating:**_ T - Slight warning of implied adult themes.

**_Summary: _**AU. Jesse gets drafted to the war, making him have to leave the life he and Suze have built together behind.

_**A/N:**_ I was trying to think up a story idea a couple of months ago, when suddenly this idea came to mind where Jesse gets drafted. I put it on the back burner, then suddenly decided to write it. Now its 4.45 in the morning, and I should of been asleep hours ago. But this wouldn't leave till I wrote it, so...

Anyway it morphed as usual and went deeper than I intended. But ain't that always the way, lol. BTW, Suze isn't a Mediator, and Jesse was never a ghost. It's purely fluff and angst, hehe. I hope you enjoy **:)**

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**_Before The Dawn . . ._**

I stared blankly down at the letter I held in my hand. My eyes reading the words displayed in bold, definite script. My fate and life typed out before me, unemotional and blank. I tried to process the words I was reading, but each time all I could imagine was Susannah's reaction as I tell her. As I explain what they are asking of me. I dread having to speak the words. To see the realization come alive in her eyes. To watch as the dreams and plans we had displayed before us, slowly dwindles and becomes dim. Of our futures now unset and unpredictable.

She would think the worst case scenario. She would fret and worry continuously while I am gone. Watching the news, reading the papers. Sleep would evade her because her mind would be too plagued with nightmares of me, away fighting a war. Of never seeing me again. The happy light I would see shining in her eyes would dull and disappear. Her silky laugh would catch and turn into sobs. Believing she shouldn't cry, because she would think she was weak and giving up. She would go on autopilot until the very day I returned to her awaiting arms.

The place I would gladly fight to return home too.

I promised Susannah happiness and love and a bright glowing future together. Just the two of us, to escape to our own little world we so often found ourselves in. I had promised her a family one day in the distant future. Now I didn't even know if I would be here to grant Susannah her deepest wishes and wants. I have to break all my vows to her. To put our life on hold, maybe indefinitely.

Now I sit here, avoiding the one place I love to return home to each day. The house I rush to feel the warmth and cosy atmosphere of. To hear her humming to an unknown song. To silently watch and observe as she dances around the kitchen, arranging and preparing our evening meal. Her cooking talents haven come far since I had taught her. I swell with pride to see the unseen aura of contentment clinging to her every movement. Fluid and strong in her grace. I love to see her silky hair shine back at me when she flicks it over her shoulder and is caught in the over-head lights.

I grin unabashedly seeing the tint of pink cross her face when she finally notices my presence. Embarrassed at being caught. I let my eyes rove over her lithe frame and let my grin turn into a devilish smirk. The red colour that replaces the pink in her cheeks when she notices my look and thoughts, is all the encouragment I need. I make quick work of crossing the kitchen and taking her into my arms. Replacing the embarrassment with pleasure and desire, seeing her answering look blazing back at me. Her own confidence now in full force, tempting me further.

Sometimes the moment is broken by an interruption of the cooker's timer, or the telephone. But sometimes, dinner is turned off and eaten at a later hour. The moment and passion flaring between us being too strong to ignore. Only the love we share being the most important thing.

I imagine this same routine in my mind, knowing that when I return home tonight - with my letter in my hand - that it won't be like that. There is no playfulness and mischief in my character tonight. The weight of my letter weighs heavy on my mind. Unspoken and haunting. The time of my departure of Susannah is ticking against me. I know I am wasting precious time sitting here on the soft sand with the calm ocean before me that is contradicting my thoughts. I know I should return to Susannah and make the most of the sacred time I have left with her. Unknowing of when I will be able to see her again.

It feels so wrong to sit here without Susannah by my side. To have an empty space where her physical presence is so often felt. I know that will be the hardest part of all. To tear myself away from the one woman who's emotional and physical presence in my life, is like a drug. One I don't ever want to let go of. One I am unwilling, but duty bound to do. I know I will feel as though I am being ripped in half. Because the feeling is already setting in. And I still have two days before I leave.

I have had this letter for three days already, knowing I should have told Susannah before now. But finding the words evading me then just as they are now. I needed to make sure everything was in order first. To make sure - if anything happened - Susannah would be okay. That she would always have everything she has ever wanted or needed.

My job has been informed and dealt with. My family has been alerted and supportive. My only request being they take care of Susannah in my absence, until such a time when I can return to her again. My best friend - Adam - has vowed and promised to be there for Susannah also. Being the support and friend I know Susannah will need, but won't ask for. His own girlfriend - CeeCee - in hand and ready too. They being the ones to push me to finally tell her. And now I have the next two days to spend with Susannah, until the final day. Where I will be drafted back into a war.

I knew if I didn't get home soon, that Susannah would be starting to worry even more. She knows something is plaguing my mind, often asking me what is wrong. I always answer the same. That I'm fine. The familiar suspicion and disbelief I see in her eyes makes me smile and chuckle. I savour those moments and file them away for later times when I will come to need them as importantly as I need air to breath. But I always quieten her protests with the same action. A kiss that is so deep and full of love, she doesn't remember what we speaking of before.

Susannah and I have been through so much together already. We have come through stronger and closer than any couple I have ever met or known. Our love being our main defence and anchor. The same thing that I know will help us get past this obstacle. That, that shall be the one thing pulling me home and keeping me alive.

Taking that thought in mind, I finally pull myself to my feet. Brushing sand off of the seat of my pants. Drawing myself up to my full height and straightening my shoulders. Determined to stay strong and calm in the oncoming emotions I can already feel building and coiling within my chest. Aching and burning to break free from my iron-hard resolve. One I fear will be shattered once I look into her sparkling emerald eyes.

Folding the offending letter - with the crease lines worn and tattered already from so much use already - I place it my pocket of my pants. Unwilling to walk in and thrust it in Susannah's face. Knowing this news is something that can't be dealt unemotionally through a piece of paper. Taking a deep breath I turned away from the serene ocean. Determined to go to the subject of my love and thoughts.

My walk home is quicker than I remembered it being. My heart is hammering in my chest the whole time and my hands shake with nerves that are continuously run through my hair. Disrupting it even further than I already have with the previous actions. Once I fall upon the home I share with Susannah, the sudden feelings of peace fall over me with just taking one look at it. Settling my erratic heartbeat and stopping my nervous habit. I stand looking up at our home. One still so new, with possible memories just hanging in the air, waiting to be made and soaked into the walls. Ones that will span over time and generations I hope.

My feet unwittingly pull me up our stone path, the porch light above our door illuminating the stone steps before me. Letting me climb them freely and lit. A habit I have been doing ever since we first moved in, is replayed as it always is. I cast a glance at the swing at the far end of the porch; looking comfortable and inviting. This one feature being what made me fall in-love with the home before I had even set inside the door. The image of Susannah and myself seated there, wrapped in each others embrace is always so vivid and real. My mind always sifts through the years, our happiness always apparent and infectious.

Looking away from the memories yet to be played, I send a silent pray to whoever is listening, that I return to Susannah and our porch swing waiting for us each and every night. That the action and habit will never be forgotten and will be also be waiting for me. Along with the life we have built together.

My prayer and ritual finished, I tentatively reached forward and grasped the door handle, being as silent as possible as I inch open the door. Not wishing to alert Susannah to my presence in our home just yet. Successfully closing the door quietly behind me, I turn back to the sounds of her familiar humming drifting down the hallway from the kitchen. Her voice and the aroma of our evening meal insulting me at the same time. The pure glow of feeling '_home_' makes me swell with pride as it always does.

I'm soon pulled from my musings by the feel of something brushing against my leg. Looking down, I see my beloved pet cat Spike, rubbing and winding himself around my ankles. His purring loud and boisterous. I know I will miss the animal I had found as a stray. His instant love and devotion to me was happily accepted and cherished. His dislike and jealousy of Susannah though, has been something I have never been able to fathom or break. I hope that with my departure, maybe he will take to her at last. That they be a comfort for each other.

With a quick pat to his orange tan head, I silently creep down our hallway and towards our large kitchen. My heart eager to see my love. I have missed her, even though I only saw her this morning. Our time together is short and rapidly dwindling. My heart and mind know this, only causing the torture and sadness to intensify within me.

Upon reaching our kitchen, I leaned up against the door frame, watching as Susannah performed her usual dance around her task. Her steps light and carefree. Happiness radiating through in everything she does. I hate myself for what I am about to say to rob her of this wonderful feeling and movement. Hating to be the one to put the sadness in her eyes, sure to come forth soon.

I want to stand and watch her as I normally would. To sweep in her into my arms, and tell her how much I love her. But I know, the more time I waste, the more painful it is to us both. Realizing this, I step into the kitchen fully. Schooling my features and trying unsuccessfully to keep my turbulent emotions out of my eyes. I clear my voice and make myself known, startling her in mid-step of her choreographed routine.

"Jesse!" Susannah exlaimed, clasping her hand to her chest to try and stop her rapid hearbeart hammering in her chest in shock. She smiles for me instantly, showing all her straight white teeth, expecting my own answering smile. But the one I try to bring forth is tremulous and shaky. Quickly alerting her to my current state of mind. Her own smile falters and her eyes narrow in suspicion again. I silently chide myself for being so reckless already.

"Good evening, _querida_," I quickly input to the growing silence and atmosphere that is slowly building with expectation. My voice is tainted with emotion, making me cough to try and clear before I continue. "Dinner smells great! What are we - "

"What's going on?" Susannah cuts me off from my weak try at casual conversation. Making me sigh with the loaded and innocent question hanging in the air between us. A distance I desperately wished to eradicate, but I'm stuck in place. Susannah crosses her arms over her chest in defiance, her tone is worried and nervous. Our emotions reflecting each other.

"Jesse," One word she utters to the growing silence I left too long to fill. Her tone is shakier than before and her eyes are darkening with fear.

I took one step forward towards her, my feet managing to become unglued, helping me to take another until I'm standing before her. No kitchen island between us, just empty space. Wanting to at least reassure her slightly, I look her in the eyes. Trying to convey my love and trust I have for her and her I know for me. Trying to relax her slightly. She does minutely, but I can still see her defences up a little.

Finally taking a breath, I break my eye contact with her, my hand itching at my side to pull the letter out and tell her that way, but I know it is the cowardly way out. And Susannah deserves so much more than that. Using this to fuel my strength and resolve that is breaking and crumbling around me, I finally tell her what I have kept hidden for the past three days.

"Susannah. Three days ago, I received a letter. One that I hoped I would never be issued or sent. I have kept it hidden and secret from you, because I wished to get my affairs in order, so I could spend my remaining time with you." Breaking off I lifted my eyes to Susannah's, seeing the tell-tale sign of tears glistening in her green orbs. My own teetering on the edge. I see the alarm in her own at noticing my tears. The emotion I had been so resolutely tamping down, suddenly springs forth. "I'm sorry, _querida_. I'm so, so sorry. I never meant to break my promises to you. Please believe me, I never wished to cause you pain."

Taking a shaky breath, Susannah matched my intense stare for one of her own. "Jesse, you're scaring me. What's happened? What's going on? Please tell me?" She pleaded dropping her arms to her sides.

Knowing the implications of what was about to happen, I took another step towards Susannah in support. So grateful that she didn't shrink away from my prescence. Holding her hands in my own, I called on my last reserves of strength and finally told Susannah.

"_Querida_," I breath so quietly. "I've been drafted."

As soon as my words were breathed, I could feel the instant release of the weight of my mind and of keeping that a secret. A secret so large and important, I was terrified to tell her. But the release was quickly replaced by regret, guilt and pain that Susannah and I are both feeling together.

At first, she narrowed her eyes at me, her mind denying my short statement. Shaking her head in refusal of my words, making the tears hanging on the edges of her long eyelashes finally give up the fight and start falling down her rosy cheeks, flushed with emotions. Less than a minute after, she closed her eyes trying anything to block out the echoing words between us. Her mind and her heart unwilling to accept all that my three quietly spoken words entail. Of the realization I knew that would immediately enter her mind. I tighten my hands on her own in silent support.

Finally she spoke, her words choked and thick with tears and emotions, making my own rise to the surface quicker. "When?" She quietly asks me, raising her head to look at me. Her eyes are filled with tears and her arms are shaking in my own. "I . . . I mean, how long?"

I don't ask her to elaborate, because I know. I know what she is asking, but still I want to ignore her question. To embrace the time we have left together instead. To pretend for a short while. But it is as inevitable as the coming departure I have to go on. Looking away from her for a second, I try to collect some semblance of control, losing a battle I know I was never going to win.

"Two days . . ." I speak into the silence. The quiet tone I was aiming for, sounding loud and echoing around us. Bouncing off the walls to come back at us harsher and more cruel.

Instantly Susannah's resolve and defences crumble around her, just as I knew they would. The sob she tried furtively to keep away came first, wrenching her hand out of my own to clasp across her mouth as if it would help. She squeezed her eyes shut against the tears, another helpless attempt at control. Unwilling to stand and watch the woman I love with all my heart and soul, break down before me, I closed the gap between us and took her unresisting body into my arms instantly. There would of been a time, when she would of fought me off. Beating at my chest resolutely to deal with her pain alone. But the years together have helped to soften Susannah. Letting her become more dependent on me physically and emotionally.

Something I have never been so grateful for, until this time right now.

As soon as I touch her and pull her to my chest, Susannah completely let go. Her sobs racking her body so violently I held onto her with all the emotional strength I had. Her knees buckling and giving way, causing us to sink to the tiled kitchen floor. Her body shaking and her tears streaming down her face in a torrent she couldn't of contained if she tried. I pulled her closer still, so she was sitting across my lap, her arms wrapped around my neck and her face buried in my shoulder. Her warm tears trickling down my neck and chest, dampening my shirt. But all of that was inconsequential to me. Only the grief-stricken woman in my arms mattered now.

Seeing no sign in sight of Susannah's tears and sobs slowing, I rested my head atop of hers, occasionally kissing her hair and whispering in to her ear. Telling her how much I loved her, of how sorry I was. Anything to try and soothe and help her. Knowing nothing would, until all of this was over. Until I was beside her for good again. I held her in my lap through the whole of her release, patient and loving. Slowly I could feel her relaxing into my chest, her sobs quieting and subsiding, save for the tears still freely dripping down her cheeks and onto my shirt.

Eventually she pulled her head up to look me in the eyes. Her own red rimmed and bright. Her emotions playing back to me like an open book. Making me want to bite back on my own grief. Knowing this was the time for Susannah, not myself. She reached up to lay a hand on my face, her thumb wiping away the wet trails there. It was only then did I realize I had been crying just as hard as my love in my arms. That my tears had been streaming down my cheeks as hard and fast as Susannah's own. I failed to muster any embarrassment or humiliation for Susannah seeing me like that. My embarrassment had past a long time ago. Knowing I could always trust Susannah with seeing any aspect of my emotional state. Only making me love her even more.

Her eyes shine back at me so full of love and a silent pledge, I can't hold back my own sentiments and grief. Instead turning it around and expressing them in bittersweet actions of how I feel to Susannah. Letting loose a torrent of kisses on her beautiful tear streaked face. Kissing away her tears and her sorrow. Trying to comfort her in any way I can. My kisses eventually finishing upon her mouth. Her soft full lips held beneath mine in a kiss so tender and passionate I found it difficult to tear myself away.

Once I pulled back and saw the love and sultry look in her hooded eyes, I could do nothing to hold back the same emotions in my own blazing and heated stare. Knowing I needed that final level of closeness with Susannah as she evidently needs with me. For me to show Susannah how much I love her, with more than just my words and looks. Needing to articulate to her the love I have and always will for her. That _she_ is what I will be fighting to survive and return too.

Moving from my lap so I can climb to my feet, Susannah looked up at me from her position still seated on the floor. The look she cast me is so full of emotion, affection and sentiment I can do nothing but to quickly pull her to her own feet and straight into my awaiting arms. The kiss we share right there in the middle of the kitchen is fevered and full of yearning for each other. Leaving us breathless and flushed. Releasing her arms away from my neck and her hands from my hair, Susannah pulled away from me, taking hold of my hand to lead me out of the kitchen.

I turn the oven off on the way past, already starting to smell the aroma of burnt food. Leaving everything else as it was when I interrupted Susannah. My mind and heart set only on one person. She lead me away from the kitchen and up our stairs, heading for our bedroom. Her grip on my hand firm and tight, as if afraid that if she lets go, that I would disappear. I grip her own petite hand encased in my own palm in return. Making her look back at me with a grateful smile and shimmering eyes.

Closing our door behind me, I led Susannah over to our wide inviting bed. The room was bathed in a soft glow from the low setting of the bedside lamp and the moonlight filtering through the open window. Making my skin tingle and shiver with anticipation. I looked down into Susannah's eyes, sending her all the love, warmth and affection I possible could. Her own eyes answering in kind to me. This time when I kissed her, it was slow, sensual and full of promise of what was to come. My hands lightly trailing over her exposed skin of her back from her top hitching up at the command of my hands. Making my fingertips tingle when she shivered beneath my gentle touch. Our kiss stretched on until we broke for air again, breathing heavily with the need and want in our caresses.

"I love you, _querida_." I whispered, kissing the sensitive skin of her neck beneath her ear, feeling her tremble in my arms again.

"I love you too, Jesse," She replied, her voice shaking with sentiment making me pull away from my assault on her neck. "Forever." She concluded, her gaze and eyes - the window to her soul - conveying and telling me as much.

Smiling at the her in acknowledgement of what I had just seen, I peppered her with featherlight kisses again, feeling her hum against me. Pulling my shirt over my head and discarding it to a corner of our room, I softly laid Susannah down on our bed, gazing down into her beautiful moonlight dappled face. Her look so open and trusting to me. Her eyes unwavering on my own. Her need making the grief of what is to come in a couple of days, put away for the time being. Now being the moment to express how much we love and want each other. To show as well as speak of the beautiful, strong and graceful harmonic love we had to give.

I made love to Susannah that night, absorbing myself in the emotions coursing through our beings, spoken in whispered words over and over again and shining through our embrace and touch. Sparkling in our tears mingling together when we were sated and spent. Heard in the sound of our soft breathing and whispered secrets as we lay together in the late night hours. Entangled together and unwilling to leave the comfort of our bed.

We spent our moments together trying and fighting to pretend nothing was to come at the end of our time together. We pretended our tears were of joy and happiness. Relishing in old memories and daring to dream up new ones. We spent hours sitting on our swing, wrapped in each others arms and blankets, blocking out the rest of the world. Using those two days to just be together. Ignoring the phone, leaving the television off and avoiding any calls to our door. We ate anything and everything, indulging ourselves with desserts and sweet foods. Making love and losing ourselves in our act of bliss. Laying in bed, sated and drifting in and out of sleep. Often taking full advantage of the large tub Susannah insisted on having. Pampering and indulging ourselves further.

I had packed my bags ready before I had told Susannah. Wanting to be able to spend as much time relaxing and losing myself in the time we had. To keep and bury all our memories, dreams and plans in a safe part of my mind. Waiting to call upon them when I needed them most.

But our time together had to come to an end quicker than either of us were willing to admit. One I had dreaded and wished to ignore for as long as possible. The grief we had kept at bay was creeping back on us. Fiercer and more real than I could ever have imagined. Our words became few and far between. Using touches and looks to express our words. I kept Susannah wrapped in my arms for as long as possible, terrified of letting her go. Just enjoying the feel of her snuggled against my side.

Once the time came for me to leave, we stood on our front porch and watched the sun rise over the horizon and set the ocean ablaze with its intensity. Unfortunately Adam arrived shortly after, climbing out of his car along with CeeCee and meeting us at the stone steps. They took my bags to the car, leaving Susannah and myself alone for the last time. Unknowing of when we would get to see each other again. The words going by unspoken, but there none the less.

I gazed down into my lovers eyes, giving her one last shaky smile. Knowing it was more like a grimace, but there all the same. She answered with the smile she had reserved for my eyes alone. The one she had sent me, the very first time we had set eyes upon each other. The very action that makes my heart flutter in my chest and my eyes water with the power behind it, reflecting in her soul.

Leaning forward, I gave her one last kiss, that promised her the world and my love. Relishing and storing away the memory of her soft lips beneath mine, of the taste of her salty tears streaming down her flushed cheeks. Deepening it and pouring every ounce and drop of pure unconditional love I could give. Sending it to wrap around her heart like a blanket, until such a time as I could return to re-new it and stay. When I broke away, I silently mouthed that I loved her one last time, seeing her whisper it right back.

Slowly backing away, still holding on to her outstretched hand, I gave her a quick flash of a grin. "I'm coming back to you, _querida_," I firmly stated, seeing her eyes light with my words. "I promise you. I'll return."

"And I'll be here, waiting, Jesse." She replied, making me swell and glow with the force of her words. "Forever." Lifting her outstretched hand to my mouth, I kissed her knuckles and looked back up to her eyes.

With that one look passed between us, I could see and feel it was filled with a lifetime worth of love and devotion. Making me confident and overwhelmed, knowing of the woman I love with every fibre of my heart and soul was waiting for me. That she would wait forever for me. Creating a reinvigorated sense of will to survive, in me. Finally releasing her hand, I backed away from our home. My eyes trained on Susannah standing and watching me leave. I didn't look to our house, or our porch swing. Because I was determined to come back to them. To the woman standing on our porch, with her friends arm wrapped around her shoulder in support.

Finally turning away upon reaching Adam's car, I climbed into the passenger seat, my eyes trained ahead of me. I waited for Adam to get ready before he started the car. Less than a minute later with one last look to Susannah, we started to drive away. I watched her for as long as I could, until I could see her no more. An image of her face instantly flashing in my mind to replace the very real one I had just left behind.

Knowing that would have to do, until I could return from the war and back to Susannah again . . .

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**A/N 2:** Oh dear...very tired, lil ole me, lol. I'm not sure about this, but then again, it is 4.45 in the morning, hehe. Thanks for reading! Please review **:D**

Title is from the song, _'Before The Dawn'_, by _'Evanescence'._


	2. Chapter 2

_**Disclaimer:**_ Please see first chapter for disclaimer.

**_Rating:_** T

_**A/N:**_ It was only going to be in Jesse's POV, but I this chapter was begging to be written with Suze. This has been rattling around my mind for a while and I really wanted to stretch the story out a bit. Besides...its fun having a little something different to try. Let me know what ya thought.

Enjoy** :)**

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**_Missing In Action..._**

I got the call when I returned home from work after a particularly long week of meetings and paperwork. The lack of a phone call from Jesse had made my anxiety build over the long days. Only adding to the effect and making it become one of the worst weeks of my life. I could hear it ringing from where I was standing, outside our home; making me more anxious to get the key in the door so I didn't miss it, hoping it might be Jesse at long last. I tried to ignore the feeling that deep down something was wrong before I had even picked up the phone.

When I had finally managed to get through the door, I quickly dropped my coat, bag and keys on the sofa, looking to the clock on the mantel piece and registering the time, before reaching for the phone on the coffee table. Absently wondering what the time was in Iraq. But as I picked up the handset with a breathless hello, I instantly knew it wasn't the person I had been aching to hear from for the past week.

"Suze?" The person on the other end quietly asked. Her voice shaky and hiccuped. Raising my feelings of dread with each passing second ticking against me.

It seemed to take me ages to reply. To find my voice to answer Marta's question. The knowledge of why she would be calling me, clear and ringing in my mind. Tormenting me with the possibility. Calling on the last reserves of strength - something Jesse always says I have bountiful amounts of - I shakily answered.

"Yes," My voice came out as a whisper, drawing away from the conversation on the other end of the line. Marta's sniffling was making my hands tremble more and more with the anticipation of what I was desperate not to hear.

"Suze," She spoke, her voice choked and thick. "Suze, it's Jesse." She paused, killing me with the wait. But the next words to escape her mouth, sounded from a faraway dream, instantly making my blood freeze in my veins and my heart to give an agonizing thump in my chest. "He's missing,"

And the perfect world Jesse and I had created around us, crumbled and fell to the ground around me. My knees buckled beneath me, making me collapse to the floor. I could feel the colour and warmth drop from my face, leaving me shivering with dread at her words and the implications. I could feel it coursing through my ice cold veins and making my hand clench onto the phone with more pressure.

Marta's words flowed freely from the phone, telling me a story I didn't want to hear, but was desperate to find some hope in. She spoke of his battalion being on an Operation. That they had lost contact with their base of command. That as of 0800 this morning, Jesse and his team were declared, Missing In Action. The unspoken acronym that would follow shortly after MIA, went unsaid, but not un-thought. The sheer weight of what she was telling me, made me end our one sided conversation in the mid call of my name. Of her pointless efforts at trying to get my attention.

I let the dead phone fall to the carpeted floor beside me with a muffled thump. Not caring or wanting to move from my current position in the space between the table and the sofa. I soon followed the path of the cordless handset. Sliding sideways until I was curled in the fetal position on the floor. Balling in to a small lump, trying to protect myself and stop the pain that was screaming to be answered. Instead I took the easier option out; complete and total denial. Ignoring everything around me. Refusing to acknowledge what Marta had just told me.

I let the time pass on, unnoticed and uncaring. Watching as the daylight turned into darkness around me. Matching my mood and feelings. A noise in the back of my mind registered slightly, it sounded like a wounded animal. Making my shaking increase, but otherwise went the same way everything else did. But I could feel the rumbling coming from my own throat, leaving me confused and even more disorientated.

It wasn't until later that I realized the keening was coming from me.

I didn't know how long I laid sprawled out on the floor for. The icy coldness making my shivering more violent and unchecked. I didn't care. It was a welcome relief to the burning I knew that would come once I let the heartbreak and pain in. I knew I wasn't strong enough to deal with it. It didn't matter what Jesse said, I didn't believe I was.

The phone seemed to keep on trilling beside me. People trying to get through to me, to see how I was. But I continued to ignore them all. I didn't want to speak to anyone. But just like everything else that didn't appear to be on my side, my need for solitude and peace wasn't heard. I could have been minutes, hours or days that I was there, staring unseeing at the things around me. Exhaustion long since passed and forsaken. My eyes felt gritty and dry. My throat was parched and raw. My arms and legs - sore from shivering so violently - ached with the tension building in them and from being in the same position for so long.

This was how CeeCee found me. Curled into a tight ball, rocking back and forth in my living room. The darkness all around me broken only by the light of the moon shining through my open windows. A dash of light in the darkness. Jesse's words to me before he left, echoing and bouncing off the vacant walls of my mind. Mocking and laughing at the hope that I would wake with each morning. That today I would get the call telling me he was coming home to me. That I would see him again. To see his dark black eyes looking at me with all the love he has ever promised me. To feel the solid warmth of his arms encompassing me, making me feel like I'm in the safest most secure place in the world. To hear him call me, _'querida'_, while I look into his eyes, seeing the affection reflected back at me when he speaks the word.

All taunting me more and more.

I became vaguely aware of a soft light coming on in the room, followed with a gasp of surprise by my best friend. The sudden light made me blink a couple of times, alertness I didn't want to feel, creeping over my mind and senses. CeeCee dropped to my side, touching my ice cold shoulder beneath the palm of her milky white hand. She spoke to me, but her words sounded from a distance. Trying to break through my foggy mind, with no such luck. Her touch bared more pressure, the slow warmth seeping into me, but not enough. Her voice was becoming more frantic with the echoing of my name.

But still I stared off into space, lost in the comforting feeling of the numbness taking over my mind and body.

Somehow - like a puppet - CeeCee managed to get me to my feet, half pulling, half carrying me to my stairs. It was like looking up a mountain and the urge to just collapse where I stood again was strong. But with a burst of determination, CeeCee got me to climb them and led me to the bedroom that hadn't been mine since Jesse left. The objects and clothes that were his, sat untouched and afraid to be moved.

All but the one shirt I held close to my heart each night. The scent of him slowly falling away from it with each passing day. Making me reach out more and more for his touch and reassuring presence.

CeeCee got me situated on the large bed, the relief of the soft mattress and comforter beneath me a silent sigh. I was still dressed in my work clothes, my shoes still pinching my feet, making them feel cramped and squashed. But I made no move to take them off. CeeCee stepped out of the room, pulling her phone from her pocket on the way. She didn't close the door behind her, only paced the floor outside the door. Her words were rushed and close to hysterical. Again, I made no move to speak or alert her to my presence. Only wishing to be alone.

I was close to becoming desperate. The longer she was here, the more I could feel my resolve and iron hard will on my pain slipping. The imminent time that it would all come crashing down on me was making me start to tremble again. I wanted to be alone. To wallow in my denial. To escape to the place of nothing, until the day would come, when I was informed he was found. Where I could pretend none of this happened. The fear of having to go through my pain alone, was becoming clearer and clearer.

I knew my friends would never understand. They could never realize just how much Jesse and I love each other. Of the connection binding and holding us together. If that was broken, I knew I wouldn't be able continue on. Not without him.

As if sensing the thoughts creeping and invading my mind, CeeCee came back into the room. She did the one thing, I wished with all my heart she wouldn't of done. She stooped down so that she was eye level with me, making my gaze have to meet her own. And the look of pity I saw in their violet shimmer was my undoing. Because I knew, there was only one reason she would be looking at me like that. She knew there was only one person that could ever cause such a reaction in me. And the weight of why she was looking at me with such sadness made the reality and denial break and burn.

I failed to see the hope bordering in her eyes. The will to be positive didn't register with me. Because I didn't want to see it. Because I wasn't ready too.

And so the tears came. Great, giant wracking sobs that made me shake with the power. My whole body shuddered with the velocity that impaled my exhausted and terrified body. The tears came thick and fast, falling from my eyes quicker than I could brush away. Too tired to try. I shut my eyes away from the sight of my best friends own tears falling from her eyes. The need to shut away the world and slow the onslaught of hurt making my heartbreak more sharper and intense.

The one person who could relieve the affliction and ease me, instilling comfort into me, was the one soul I was crying and aching for. I prayed and begged for someone to make the pain to stop. I screamed a sound that was filled with heartache and pain. It broke my soul that was crying for Jesse. That was whimpering for him. For someone to take away the excurciating suffering. I cried that I couldn't handle it and I didn't want it. All I wished for was Jesse's safety and for this it to be over. To have him home and beside me.

I gripped the quilt in my fist, making my hands ache with the force. Feeling every ounce of the numbness and cold to disappear as quickly as they came. Bombarding me with everything I thought I could push aside and ignore. I felt CeeCee's hands brush my hair away from my face, leaning down to try and comfort me as much as she could. But she knew as much as I did, that it was a useless effort. Nothing would help me now, short of a phone call of a visit, telling me all that was flooding my mind was a lie. A sick, twisted joke.

All the sadness and fear I had kept so well hidden from all those around me - except for the one person who I couldn't - flooded my mind and body like a freight train. Plowing into me without regret or remorse. Part of me knew I had caused most of this hurt myself. For trying to be brave and strong. For not dealing with the possibility of this. Of the not knowing. Of the questions hitting and assaulting me, again and again. I just knew I felt as if a part of me was shrivelling and dying. Not knowing if I was going to see him again.

My crying and sobbing continued for so long, I didn't think it would ever stop. My stomach threatened to recoil all that I had in it, clenching and spasming the more I lost control and my cries would become jagged and harsh again. The burning acid roiling inside me made me hiccup and burn with fever. But eventually my cries calmed and slowed, and my body, having been through so much hurt already screamed for rest. The exhaustion that had been been plaguing and pulling me down all week and longer still took hold. Making me fall into a sleep, no matter how much I tried to fight and stop it.

My dreams were filled with nightmarish images of Jesse. Broken and gone. Some tormenting me more than my what my waking mind ever could. Pictures of him coming to me in a slow and agonizing steps. Only to be pulled away by some unforeseen force and out of reach of my hand. The looks of regret and sorrow on his own face making me crumble again. Memories of our time together, happy and laughing. They were vivid and lucid. Almost making me believe I was awake and experiencing them. But I always woke to find myself crying, or with my hand outstretched for him to clasp.

Or I would wake to the sounds of my own screams, swiftly followed by the heavy press on my heart. Making it physically hurt, like only a love could.

I was a broken and wrought husk the days that followed Marta's phone call. The days blurred into one. And unlike the last moments Jesse and I spent together, I wished for them to be over and passed. To give my mind and body a reprieve. I was aware of CeeCee being around me. Trying to help, to soothe and comfort me. To get me to speak more than one syllabic answers to her. Her pleads to eat went unheard and unwanted. Her request to ask for my mother to come, was answered with an emphatic, _No_.

I knew I would never be able to hold the resolve I had slowly been trying to build again the days I had spent in my room, when I would see my own mothers pity directed at me. I knew what I needed to do. What I needed to believe. But the pain was so raw and open, I knew I needed more time.

CeeCee called into my work. Requesting an absence of leave for me. Giving a short and sparse reason why. I was granted it, no questions asked. With that in mind, I finally made the effort, after three days in bed, to get up. I didn't want to be there anymore. To avoid the home Jesse and I had built around us together. I was tired of letting the hopelessness try to take me over. Exhausted and knowing I wasn't helping myself, or Jesse by not believing in him enough. I couldn't smile and laugh. But I couldn't cry and scream any longer either.

On the fourth day, CeeCee didn't come to me. On my gentle but insistant request, I asked her to give me some time alone. Surprising her with my sudden will and power to take control. I put on the front of not giving in. Of taking hold at last and not letting myself be swayed by any different. All the while, the numbing feeling was slowly taking hold again. I knew my charade wouldn't be able to be kept together forever. But by the time it fell, I hoped news of Jesse's safe return would be heard at last.

I spent the days slowly getting my strength back. Trying to eat meals, that didn't instantly repel and threaten to be brought back up. Relaxing as much as I could in hot bubbling baths. Sitting on our porch swing in the night, looking up at the stars that I hoped, Jesse could see too. I went for walks visiting the places we would go to together. The beach, the park. I thought about visiting his family, but I was too afraid of what I would find. Too scared in case I couldn't keep my charade together. So I avoided them. Speaking to them as little as possible on the phone. I knew they suspected why. They might of even known. But they never asked and I never told.

I went back to work sooner than everyone expected of me. Raising suspicions and questions. But I couldn't stay at home on my own any longer. I needed to throw myself back into a routine. To get my mind off of the weight hanging around me. Being the first thing I thought of when I woke, and the last thought at night. The house was large and empty around me, no matter how much I tried to fill it with music or the box. It was becoming difficult again. But the days just seemed to stretch on and on. People would come and go, but their words were never heard. I carried on like a robot. And each time someone looked at me as if I was about to cry or with pity, the small ball of anger I could feel in the pit of my stomach, grew bigger and bigger. The burning ball of fury that was only going to be released when my patience that had been waning, was completely gone.

And a small part of me whispered and asked how much of the anger was directed at Jesse. For leaving me like this.

I answered friends and families questions, asking if I was alright. If there was anything I needed. Anything they could do. And all I wanted to scream was for them to leave me alone. To let me be. That if they wanted to help me; then find Jesse and heal me. Their pointless questions made me turn to ignoring their calls again. To the anger that was simmering beneath the surface.

At night I would think back over the days we had spent together before he had left. The time he took to make me feel special and wanted. Leaving no room for doubt of how much he loved me. Telling and showing me. I played over when he walked into the kitchen, finally telling me what had been bothering him. I had thought it was something simple. I was wrong. I was so wrong it made me want to scream. But it always turned into silent sobbing instead.

But sometimes, the earlier memories would re-surface. Reminding me of when we were first together. Of how we met and how we fell in love. Jesse had been in the forces when we had first gotten together. It was at a bar that I met him. A friend pulling me along for support. I had put him down to be like all the other soldiers that hung around that bar. Over confident and as if he was indestructible. Thinking he could have anything and anyone he wanted. I didn't deny he was a good looking guy. I wasn't blind, but I wasn't prepared to fall into a trap like I had done, so many times before.

I could remember when he had first asked if he could buy me a drink. "_I can buy my own_," was my tart reply. I turned away from him, hoping he would get the message, and he seemed to do so. Until I witnessed him in action. I saw the way he was when he was with his friends. He didn't laugh along with them when they cracked crude and disgusting jokes. Or leer at the next woman to walk past.

He was sweet and charming. He made me feel as though I was the only person in the room. He didn't just look at me, he _looked_ at me. He stared down deep into my soul and sparked something, I never thought I would find. I had all but given up on finding the right man. But Jesse . . . he was so different. So attentive and loving.

It wasn't long before I found myself falling for him. Hard. And I knew he was too. I could hear it in his voice when he would call me. The weeks sometimes stretching on before we saw each other again. He would show me when he swept me into his arms as soon as we got to see each other again. I could feel it in his touch and his kiss.

But most of all, I could see it in his eyes. The way he wouldn't hold anything back from me. Just an open trust, filled with tenderness.

As our relationship grew deeper and deeper, if was obvious neither of us were happy with the arrangement when we couldn't see each other for weeks at a time. I never said anything, because it wasn't my place. Jesse had chosen to go into the forces, long before I had met him. It wasn't right for me to tell him I wasn't happy. I had no place in asking him to leave. But just like everything else, Jesse seemed to know too. So when he told me he was going to sign off, I instantly protested the idea. I was even a little angry with him for it.

I didn't want to be the reason he stopped doing what he loved. I didn't want him to come to resent me later on, when he was dissatisfied and bored. But he was adamant that wasn't the whole reason. He told me he loved me. And that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. That he didn't _want_ to be away from me, worrying and thinking of me every minute of everyday. He said he wanted to build a life with me. _That_ was what would make him happy.

I was in tears when he finished. I tried to talk him out of it, but he was having none of it. So within a couple of months from when Jesse had told me, he was signed off. No longer a soldier and no longer in the forces. He was here with me, to stay, "_for as long as you'll have me_,"

But still it had pulled him away from me. And now, I couldn't help but wonder if this would be the last time.

I didn't _want_ to think that way. I didn't _want _to believe I would never see Jesse again. But so little is said about what goes on in the war. There is so little I understand about it. So much I don't _want_ to understand. I don't want to know what Jesse is doing out there. It's hard enough to turn the news on everyday and read about the next soldier that was injured or killed. Always silently hoping that one day that isn't Jesse, or someone elses love lost.

I avoided the news and the papers when Jesse had first got sent away. The torment I had to go through everyday just knowing Jesse was out there, was too much to take. I would speak with him on the phone for short times, trying to inject some happiness and hope in my tone. But the overidden factor of how much I missed him and the relief of hearing him was too much. And Jesse always knew this. It made the guilt I hold that he knows what I'm suffering even harder. I don't want him to know how worried and scared I am.

But one thing I always make sure he knows as we end the call between us, after an absence of too long, is how much I love him. That no matter what, I keep the promise he gave me close.

This is what I use to keep me getting up in the morning. What I use to help me get through each day and carry on as normal as I possible can. How I keep the anger at bay and how I ignore the ticking clock and the absence of a call to let me know he's okay. That promise is what I use, to keep the pain and heartache at arms reach, until Jesse is found, home and with me again.

I just hope the damage hasn't already been done...

* * *

**_A/N 2:_** I'm working on my Suze, lol. It was a bit tough, but it was fun to try. I got another story coming up where's there gonna be more of her in it and I've had losta fun with the chapters I got written **;P** So hopefully, I can get better. Thanks for reading, please review **:)**


	3. Chapter 3

_**Disclaimer:**_ Please see first chapter for disclaimer.

_**Rating:**_ T

_**A/N: **_Thanks for the reads, reviews and faves, y'all! It much appreciated! Its kinda made this become bigger than I anticipated it being, lol. I hope you enjoy, cookies and huggles for all!

* * *

_**Flashbacks and Friends...**_

_"GET DOWN!" I shouted, as I reached over and pulled Perry down next me so he was covered behind the wall. The whistle of a bullet embedding itself in the concrete where his head just was made a new burst of determination run through me. I refuse to lose any of my men this day. Not while I have the chance to protect them. They look to me for leadership. I can do nothing but comply._

_"Keep moving and stay low to the ground," I shouted into Perry's ear. His face is pale and he looks confused, looking back at me blankly. "PERRY!" I shout again, tugging on him to pay attention and focus on me. "Listen to me! We have to get you out of here! Follow me and don't look back! Got it?" He nods at me, his face pinched with pain and his eyes clouded with the stress his body has already taken._

_I don't waste anytime. I grip my weapon in my hand and keep focused only on what's before me. I'm putting my trust and faith in whoever was listening, that Perry is following me. I can't afford to look back. We don't have time to stop and check out the scenery and destruction around us. Just getting him to help, is the main thing of importance right now._

_I keep crouched to the ground, pulling myself as quickly as possible across the debris strewn battlefield. Just huge slabs of collapsed buildings keeping us divided from the enemy. Perry's bullet to the shoulder is bad, but not deadly. Coupled with the concussion he's suffering, he's doing well. But for how much longer, I don't know. I don't know how bad his head wound could be._

_Using one last burst of speed and will, I shoot over to the larger part of wall, and the place where help can reach and keep us safe for a while. Although my version of a while and someone elses, would largely differ and be questionable._

_I fall against the wall and solid concrete. Feeling my back spasm as I hit it too hard. But I ignore the pain, theres no time for it, and look around the ground we're covering with expert and anxious eyes. Taking in as much detail with one single second glance, that would put a seasoned officer to shame. I reach out to pull Perry in quicker as my eyes sweep in the direction we had just been standing._

_He lands next to me with a painful gasp. His breathing's started to become more labored and his blood soaked shirt is spreading. But I know I can't risk easing the bandage away. All I can do is apply more pressure. I grab the tourniquet wrapped around his arm, loosening it slightly to let some of the blood flow for a few seconds, before I tighten it again. Not risking it any longer than that. I only know basic first aid._

_"Come on, Perry!" I shout in his face and over the sounds of yelling and gunfire echoing around us. "Stay focused, soldier! Don't you _dare_ quit on me now!" I slap his face a few times, rousing him back from his sleepy eyes. "Helps coming, soldier! You just got to stay awake a little longer!"_

_I gesture to the help crew running towards me. Stopping to take refuge every now and again before they finally reach us. They drop to Perry, taking in his appearance with critical and experienced eyes. Seen worse, but seen better._

_"He's got a bullet wound to his left shoulder," I said to them while simultaneously looking around me. "and he has a concussion. He's been losing focus more over the past few minutes. I can't tell you anymore than that." I brush off the glance his partner shoots me, checking me over for injuries. "I'm fine! Concentrate on getting Perry out of here!" He backs off and turns to help Brown._

_"That's all we need," Brown replies, breaking open a clean bandage and placing it over the wound to Perry's shoulder. He looked to his help beside him. "We need to get him out of here. On my command, lift him to his feet and fall back."_

_I looked behind them, signalling to the Search and Rescue division covering us. Using hand gestures without much conscious thought. Signalling of the back up Brown and his partner would need to get Perry out of there safely. I got sharp nods of understanding in return._

_"Ready when you are," I said, turning to Brown._

_"Right, on my mark," He gripped Perry ready, making sure he had a secure hold, but not putting more strain on his injury than was necessary. I wanted to say something comforting to Perry, but I knew there was no time. "Three, two, one, MARK!"_

_On mark they lifted him to his feet with a strangled cry of pain from Perry. But he still stayed conscious, gripping onto his help just as tightly as the hold they had on him._

_I watch as they zigzag their way across to relative safety and help. Keeping my eye out as they make it across and lower him to a stretcher before rushing him out of there. I don't sigh with relief, because I know its far from over. I've still got men and woman out there. Until they're out of danger, I can't relax or back off._

_Instead I join the fray. With a quick indication to what I was doing, I run across to a small, less covered piece of debris. But one that holds more chance at return fire. I skid to a halt as I land, feeling dirt and gravel shoot up and hit me in the face. Again, I ignore the sting and concentrate on getting my team safe. With a quick prayer, I leap up to lean over the debris and raise my weapon._

_My heart is hammering in my chest and my ears are muffled from the sound of my weapon. All noises around me sound in slow motion, making the battle-cries and shouts of fury hardly register. Staying alive and protecting my team are the only things running through my mind._

_Besides. I made a promise and I was going to keep it._

_I feel my fingers start to turn numb from the constant control I have to keep on my weapon, making my arms hurt with the back-kick I hold off. It was all second nature to me now. The pain, exhaustion, aches. All are unimportant. When this is all over, then I can feel sorry for myself._

_I pull myself back over the wall, pulling out my empty clip and slamming in another one, making sure it's in properly. Using the time to feel around and see how much ammo I have left. Not much. I needed help and soon. Taking a deep breath, I flick off the safety and go back to doing my job._

_I can feel the seconds tick by against me as I fire at the enemy shooting back. Only their weapons are more deadly. They're not only using guns. They're using grenades and anything else they can think of to flush us out of hiding, or to just kill us._

_Neither is an option to me._

_But just as I start to calculate how much time I'll have sitting behind this meager shelter and with out ammo before they target me, someone drops down to my side, throwing something at me that hits my thigh. I don't need to turn to see who it is. Or look down to see what was thrown at me, I already know. Its the same person who was watching my six when I was in the army before. And its the same person who is watching my six this time around._

_And with his presence, a new wave of alertness and determination hums through me. Help has arrived and in the form of the most crazy, loyal soldier I know._

_He whips his own weapon over the shelter, making the returning fire back off slightly with the new amount of force and tenacity coming at them. I pull back as my clip runs out, taking out the old one and sliding in the new one he threw at me. __I slide down the barrier slightly, giving them no indication I'm even here, and wait for him to drop down beside me too. "Hey, bud!" Brooks grins at me as he drops lower to the ground. "Miss me?"_

_"You have no idea," I laugh, but its harsh and cracked. Neither of us comment on the emotion or the fatigue. Wrong time and wrong place. "What took you so long?" I ask, looking around me making sure my men are accounted for and no-one else is hurt._

_"Sorry, man," Brooks replied, his voice dropping with guilt, before he shakes it off and concentrates on smiling again. "What do you say we get you outta here, and back to your girl waiting for ya?" He smirks at me, knowing of the photo I got in my holdall of Susannah back at camp. Constantly teasing me about her._

_The girl I was aching to get back to._

_"Whatever you say, Brooks," I grin, letting his enthusiasm slip into me and bringing on a whole new strength. Stopping the thoughts of Susannah trying to enter my mind. They would only distract me. And that was the last thing I needed, stuck in the middle of a battlefield. "Lead the way."_

_He laughs and claps me on the shoulder, shooting pain through my body at the damage it'd already taken. I think I've hidden the flash of pain across my face. But Brooks' narrowed eyes and scowl tell me otherwise._

_"Save it," I cut him off before he questions it. "Put it towards something else. Like getting us out of here." He looks like he'll argue for a second, but he knows as well as I do, it's not the time. Instead he nods and scouts around us. Both looking for the best escape route with the chance of limited ammo we hold._

_Finally turning back to me, we both realize we're stuck, with only a couple of risky options before us. Our shared looks of determination don't falter. But just as we think about returning fire and fighting our way to relative safety, a frantic shout from behind us makes me spin towards the sudden noise rearing towards us._

_"LOOK OUT!"_

_I don't turn to see what's coming for us, I only leap into action. Before he has time to protest or even notice my move, I leap at Brooks, knocking him as far back as possible and landing across him as the shock wave of the explosion pummels my body, along with a massive weight and pressure falling on me. Making my world turn black around me._

_"JESSE!" Is the last thing I hear..._

* * *

Jerking awake from the flashback that was ringing in my ears and my mind, I look around me. My eyes searching wildly and frantic about me. My arm reaches out for the gun I expected to find at my side, coming up with nothing but a course fabric on a firm base. This does nothing to still my rapid heartbeat and labored breathing as the last traces of the nightmare recede back to its dark place. Sure to come forth again in the future.

I try to sit up and look around me better. But the sudden white hot pain that spikes through-out my body and whips the air from my lungs, makes me lay back down and try to breathe past the panic, holding me in it's grip. My ribs throb and protest against the sudden move making the pain ebb and flow down my spine and causing my lungs to burn and inflame.

My vision swims before me, creating dark black spots and threatening to send me back into the land of darkness that I had just come from. But I fight it with every spare bit of energy I have. Willing the pain to stop or pull away. To try and take in small breaths and ease the raw fire that are my lungs, burning deep inside me. My head throbs at the sudden shift and movement I keep putting it through. Trying harder and harder to make me give in and succumb to the pain that was causing a rising nausea to build in my roiling stomach. But I refused to give in.

Finally, after what seemed like minutes - but were probably only seconds - the pain withdrew. Leaving behind an ache in my chest, that was only just bearable. Like a great pressure was being enforced upon it. Restricting my breathing and my thoughts. All but one, that is running through my mind, '_What happened?'_

I laid in the silence of my sudden panic and pain, looking up to the white ceiling above me. Fighting off the exhaustion my body was feeling from using so much energy at trying to control my affliction. Wondering if I was going to wake so soon, if the nightmare hadn't of done so. My mind in fighting agreement as my body, but I couldn't rest until I knew. Until I found out if they were okay.

My thoughts were jumbled and strange. Giving me hallucinations and pictures I couldn't make sense of. Letting colours swim before my eyes and causing my panic at my disconcerted thoughts streaming through me, to rise. I felt helpless and afraid. Not sure what to do or who to call.

All but one name, one voice and one image. Susannah being the only thing that I recognized in my thoughts. In my memories. Going a long way to easing the fear to hold me in its grip. At the vulnerable and helpless emotion and energy being sustained on me.

I let her face come to my mind and hover there. Picturing her beautiful smiling face, that has been a constant in my dreams the past few months. And the one saving grace that was stopping me from giving up these past four weeks. Being stranded, lost and without help. Fighting for our lives and the lives of our brothers. For short moments, I would let my mind wander to her. When I would feel myself losing hope and will. When tiredness and pain, became too much for me to bare. When I needed a reminder of who I was fighting for.

I would remember my promise and my love.

I let the memories of how her silky hair felt running through my fingers, bombard my mind. Of the feel of her soft body held to me at night and in the aftermath of the act of showing and telling her how much I loved her. Allowing the memory of her touch and the sensations to spark before my eyes and down my spine at the taste and feel of her soft lips on mine.

All making me ache with a different kind of pain all over again.

I feel the pinpricks of tears at the back of my throat and behind my closed eyes. The memory of our days together, before my call of duty. Of the hours spent together wrapped in each others arms. The sound of her voice trying to be brave and strong when she spoke to me on the phone, in my absence. Her words in her letters, written across the page in her fluid script. Some smudged with obvious water marks. Tears she tried not to shed.

Her act for bravery, only makes me try harder. To love her more.

I have faint memories of waking and calling out to her, but there too vacant and scattered for me to get a clasp on them. I wonder if they really happened, or if it was my mind supplying me with what I _want_ to do. To cry out for her, again and again until my call is answered. But I have trouble knowing what is reality or my imagination.

The sudden sense that I was being watched, pulled me out of my musings and mental wanderings. I opened my eyes and looked down to the end of my bed, noticing a man standing there and watching me. I could just make out the long white coat he was wearing and the friendly smile stretching across his aged face. His hands buried in the deep pockets of his coat, and the shirt he's wearing has the two top buttons undone with his tye loosened and limp down his front.

He walks over to me, reaching in and taking a pen out of his breast pocket. Before I know what he's doing, he clicks it and shines it into my eyes. "Argh!" I cried, turning away from the intense throbbing in my head and the white spots before my eyes.

"Sorry about that, son," He said, pocketing the penlight again. "Unfortunately it had to be done." He broke off, scrutinising me through narrowed eyes. I met his stare head on, not willing to back down. Dredging up as much sense and control through the pain as I can muster. He smiles at my determination and stubborness. "How's the pain?" But he sounds like he doesn't expect an honest answer.

Which is good. Because I wasn't going to give him one. "Fine," I lie, watching the way he raises his bushy eyebrows in disbelief at my claim. Expecting my abrupt retort. "Who are you?" I ask before he can question my answer. "Where am I?"

He gestures to an aid who brings something over on a flat silver tray. The glint that bounces off the shiny surface from the overhead light, makes me wince. "I'm Dr. Sullivan," He replies, picking up the needle on the tray and flicking the long stem, making it squirt slightly. "You're in a military hospital in Iraq. You and your men were brought in three days ago. This is the first time you've been lucid since you were admitted." I narrow my eyes as he sticks the needle in my I.V. line. Obviously a pain inhibitor.

I fought off the affect the drugs seem to have almost started on straight away. Feeling the pull of sleep on my weary mind as my body's pain dulled, making me relax into the hard mattress. I tried to fight it off, needing to know more before I gave in. "What about Brooks and Perry?" I slurred, forcing my eyes to stay open.

Dr. Sullivan looked down at me fighting off his meds, giving me a small smile of reassurance. "They're fine, son," He replied softly. "Thanks to you."

I nodded, feeling like my head was weighed down and heavy. "That's . . . good," I whispered, before I gave in to my body's demands and fell back into the haven of unconsciousness. Letting images and memories of Susannah fill my dreams.

I fell asleep with a smile on my face.

* * *

When I woke again, the pain wasn't as bad and I discovered I had a visitor.

I let my eyes adjust to the darkness around me, waiting and expecting the throbbing and thumping to reappear in my head and chest. But I was met with only a mild headache. Remembering the sharp hot fire of pain to shoot through me the last time I had tried to move, I took stock of the what my body was telling me before I tried it again. Finding myself too disorientated and hurting to have done it before.

I could tell my mind was much clearer, although events leading up to how I managed to come by being in the hospital, were still murky and foggy. I wondered if it was due to the concussion I obviously sustained, or if my mind was blocking out the memories on purpose. Trying to withhold the pain and trauma, so I could concentrate on my body's healing first.

Either way, I decided not to dwell on it.

The memory of Dr. Sullivan telling me about Brooks and Perry before I gave in to sleep, washed into my mind. Remembering his calming presence and gentle attitude. And along with it, came the memory of my behaviour and own words to him. I wasn't exactly friendly to him. My tone being abrupt and callous. But he either didn't seem to notice or didn't concern himself with it. But I heard snippets of our conversation, ringing in my ears. That I had been out for three days, only coming too slightly during that time.

The thoughts that maybe I had been dreaming and calling out for Susannah in that time, must have been real. I could only capture small moments and seconds in those days. Burning with fever and highly disorientated. Worse than when I was awake before. The feeling of not knowing what was reality or truth, left me feeling sick and shaky. Of the pain intensified by my thrashing around and attempts to get out of bed. Until finally, they had given me a heady sedative. Knocking me out.

I couldn't blame them. I would have done more damage than was already done if I'd managed what I was trying.

I turned my attention back to my good friend sitting beside me, in a very uncomfortable orange plastic chair. His chin resting on his chest as he dozed in his seat. His snores loud and deep in the silence around me and making me grin at the display. Relieved beyond belief that he and Perry were alive. Just as were - I hoped - the rest of my team.

"Nate," I called, ready for company to join me again. But he didn't stir. Nor did he even twitch. "Nate!" I called again, receiving no sign he had even heard me. I knew he was a deep sleeper and was quite surprised he even managed to survive in the forces for as long as he had. How he seemed to be able to pull himself out of bed at the crack of dawn, considering how deep he slept. The thought that an earthquake or hurricane happening around him, and not even making him twitch, threatened to make me laugh.

Until a more sinister idea came to my mind.

Taking as deep a breath as I could, I shouted. "Front and centre, soldier!" My harsh bark and command made him jerk awake instantly to stand before me, holding a sloppy salute.

The breath and energy it had taken me to call out to him and bark my order left me panting for air and my ribs to throb and spike painfully. But the laughing that turned into a choking cough had Brooks suddenly become aware of where he was and who he was with. He came to my side, looking down at me concerned. Until I managed to get my breathing back and under control, only wheezing slightly.

He grabbed a cup of water by my bedside and put the straw to my dry cracked lips. I sucked in the water feeling exhausted and aching after using up so much energy and jarring my broken ribs. But the amusement I felt at seeing his reaction was worth it.

"You suck," He said as he placed the cup aside and sat back down in his chair again, grinning like crazy. "Ya know that?"

"Thanks, Nate," I wheezed, grinning right back. "I feel so much better now." Only causing him to laugh, with a sound very much like relief. It was obvious to see as he looked back at me, shaking his head in disgust.

I saw the serious glint come to his eye before he spoke. Making me swallow nervously, knowing what was to come next. "You gotta stop saving me, bud," He said, trying for a light tone, but I heard the undercurrent of panic anyway. "As much as I appreciate it, you're not giving me the chance to return the favor."

"Sorry," I chuckled, feeling my chest twinge with the action. Opting not to acknowledge his poorly hidden fears. To anyone else, it would have been light banter. But I'd known him a long time. I just wasn't ready to start accepting how close a call it had been. "I'll make sure to warn you next time, so we can swap positions." Making him laugh again and breaking through the small tension between us.

"How ya feelin'?" He asked, narrowing his eyes into a 'don't give me no bullshit either' expression.

"My rib's hurt. Heads throbbing a bit," I honestly replied. "But I'm alive, so I can't complain." I broke off, making my own eyes wander to his pale and drawn features. Noticing the dark circles under his eyes. "What about you?"

"Me?" He smirked. "I'm feelin' great! Never been better!"

This time I gave him my own narrowed expression, coupled with a knowing look. He dropped the fake enthusiasm and gave me a serious expression in return. "At the risk of sounding like a sap. Because I can never deny your commanding scowl," He remarked, shifting uncomfortable in his chair and avoiding my eyes. "Ya scared me, bud. I didn't think you were gonna make it this time. It left me feelin' a little lost, ya know." He continued, jerking his knee before him. "Kinda made me realize . . . this ain't a little boy's game we're playing. This is the real shit, right here. The real deal."

I nodded at his confession, feeling the weight of his words settle around us both. I bowed my head at his sincerity and the amount of pride it took for him to admit the truth to me. Part of me wishing I had never asked, but another side, making me respect and appreciate his loyalty, truth and friendship.

"Can I ask ya somethin'?" He said, his voice sounding quiet and oppressive, where it was normally loud and jovial. I nodded at him, giving him my approval. I met his eyes, giving him my attention and my respect. Something he deserved for his hard to admit confession to me. "What kept ya going? Out there, I mean. All that time you were missing . . . what kept you from giving up?"

I looked back into his grey eyes, seeing the genuine wonder and curiosity burning there. Overriding the uncomfortable knowledge of just how touchy our conversation was taking. Noticing the awe and respect he held for me. For coming back, being in control and pushing my will to fight harder and harder. To survive and not let them break me, or win.

"Susannah," I said in return. Making the one sound echo with the strength and determination my statement and truth held. My eyes as hard and as dangerous, as my steady and controlled voice speaking it. Daring anyone to question my answer. "I made a promise, and I intend to keep it."

He widened his eyes at the conviction in my gaze and the severity of my words. Sitting back slightly and taking in my hard expression aimed not at him, but at the absence, time and effort I had to uphold. His face holding no other emotion, just a blank slate. Until eventually, a smile broke out. Twisting and turning into a grin that could have powered the Hoover Dam.

"Your girl," He said as he sat there, grinning like the crazy soldier he is. "Getting back to your girl, was what kept you going . . ." His voice trailed off, slipping into wonder.

"It will always be Susannah who brings me home, Nate," I sincerely said. Feeling the emotion and line of conversation slip into uncharted territory between us. Of the emotions and solemn expressions being thrown around and settling between us.

Thankfully all he did was smile back. Letting it turn into a smirk and a bark of laughter. "Well," He said, a mischeivious smile breaking out onto his face. "not long now, and that's exactly where you'll be, bud."

I shook my head, making my headache bloom and flare for a second, making me believe I had heard him wrong. I looked back into his solemn and honest smile. Wondering if he was winding me up like he loved to do. Playing a prank on me, to try and clear the tense atmosphere around us. Trying to get a rise out of me. Only, all I was met with, when I looked back with disbelief and a growing hope . . . was truth.

And then it hit me what he just said. The possibility that was so close, but so far.

"When?" I asked. Not if, but when. Unwilling to allow the small flare of hope to come forth, only to have it banished and scattered. I couldn't take it. I knew I couldn't. My voice came out in a strained whisper, making me cough to clear it before I spoke again. This time sounding stronger and determined. "When am I going home?"

"The docs wanna keep ya in for atleast another week so you can recover more, before they medi-vac ya back," He said, smiling at the astonished and almost speechless look on my face at his simply said words. "You'll get briefed back home, before they release ya again. After that, you'll be under review as to whether you'll return to active duty, or get discharged all together."

I let my head drop back down on to my pillow. Suddenly unable to use the energy to look at my friend. The echo and strength of his words filtering into my haze and coiling around my mind. Adding weight and conviction each time. Making my hope and anticipation burning harder and brighter. I was afraid to think of anything else. Afraid to question it. In case it suddenly unravelled around me, leaving me clutching at flailing ribbons and threads.

"I'm going home," I whispered to the ceiling above me, letting the thought run through my mind again and again. Allowing the picture of our home and our memories to flood my vision. Nate sat next to me, laughing at my expression and words. Letting me have my moment.

"Ah, Mr. de Silva, you're aw - " Dr. Sullivan broke off as he came around my drawn curtain. Finding me looking at the ceiling with a delirious look of happiness on my face. Muttering to myself over and over again. Looking to Brooks sitting beside me, laughing and shrugging at my stupor. "Oh. Did I miss something?" He questioned, curious. Although his tone was bordering on amused, I didn't care of what I looked like.

I was going home.

"Nothing much," Nate chuckled. "He's going home to his girl, is all."

I heard the good doctor say something in reply, but it didn't register in my mind. All I could think about, was how I was going back to Susannah. Back to the life, I originally left the army to have. Already anticipating the feel of her wrapped in my arms. Of the kiss that was soon to leave my lungs burning and my vision seeing stars. Of the smile I longed to see, aimed at me again. Desperate just to see her and hear her musical laugh. To feel the warmth of her tears of joy streaming down her face when we saw each other again. To never let her go and never look away from the emerald eyes, that always held me captured.

Never wishing to look away from the love she held in her sparkling gaze, all for me. Waiting and beckoning to me. But best of all.

I wasn't going to break my promise...

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_**A/N 2:**_ Thanks for reading, please review **:)**


	4. Chapter 4

_**Disclaimer:**_ Please see first chapter for disclaimer.

**_Rating:_** T

_**A/N: **_I am so sorry it has taken me so long to update this. I hit a block with it. And just when I thought about picking it back up again, I had a family emergency. Leaving me drained and lacking enthusiasm for anything. At the moment, my mam comes first. But she's been chivvying me along to get back to writing, hoping that'll help me a little, bless her **:)**

Anyway, I'm sorry for making you wait and if this isn't really up to par. I'm still knackered and a little, befuddled. But this isn't the end, there's a couple more chapters to come yet. Thank you for all your support and feedback with this. Your reviews and encouragement has been awesome **:D** Thank you so much **:)** I hope you enjoy this one **:)**

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_**Coming Home...**_

I was sitting in the kitchen, pushing food around my plate when Marta came to see me. The radio was on, playing music into the large empty room, but I wasn't paying much attention to it. It was just to fill the silence and the void sinking in. I'd been trying to avoid moments like that. Sitting alone, letting my mind wander. It was never a good thing, and had only been worse since I found out Jesse was missing. I wasn't eating what I'd made. It was just too much effort that day. I'd made it for the sake of it. Because my stomach told me it was hungry, but I just couldn't muster up the energy to actually eat it. It was a chore just to cook for myself at all.

Everywhere I looked and everything I did, reminded me of what I was missing. _Who_ I was missing. It was in the little mundane things. Small errands I'd always taken for granted before. Like trying to cook for myself. It reminded me of one of our first dates. When Jesse insisted he cook for me. My step-father Andy was the only male I knew who could make a decent meal. So I was curious and wary to what Jesse was going to come up with. If he, like most of my past relationships' idea of cooking, was to order something in. Or to put the the easiest meal they could find, and throw it in the oven. Then I knew I was going to be disappointed. But I should have known Jesse would be different.

I knew he would be from the start.

I was pleasantly surprised when he produced a meal, that would have put Andy's cooking to shame. It was filling, delicious and had me curious to what else he could surprise me with. Just like the rest of our time together. I hadn't eaten that well, since I moved out of my parents home. My diet consisted of anything I could pick up on the way. Cooking didn't come easily to me. My mom was just as bad in the kitchen, so neither of us learnt. While going through college and moving into my own apartment, my diet seriously lacked. And I didn't realize just what I had been missing out on, until I actually met Jesse. I felt a little spoiled and out of my depth for a while. Never having had a relationship, where they put so much time and effort into something so simple or large for me.

In the beginning of my past relationships' they would. Just like any other, they just wanted to spoil and pamper you. Show you what you could have or what you had missing. But as time moved on, it would slowly stop and just end up becoming another dead-end relationship. No more effort made, just a boring routine, I didn't want to be caught up in.

But Jesse never stopped. He never slowly retracted spoiling me and making me feel special. He never stopped being any of what I'd seen in the beginning. I was constantly on alert, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for him to show his true colours. But he never did. He's as charming and soothing now, as he was the first time I met him. Which only made me miss and ache to see him more.

I hadn't been eating or really concentrating on myself properly, since Jesse was declared MIA. Leaving me feeling abandoned, lonely and scared. But the feelings were only intensified by the knowing, that it was alot worse for Jesse, in so many ways. My eating habits and sleep patterns had all gone south. Mixing me up and leaving me confused and dazed. I was eating for the sake of it. To keep my energy up and so I didn't make myself ill. It all tasted bland and boring, but I stubbornly did it anyway. I'd make the effort to go to bed, even though I would toss and turn most of the night. Exhausted but awake.

I knew my family and friends were keeping a wary eye on me. Making sure I was being sensible. The only thing that made me pick up the fork, or climb into the empty bed, was that I wouldn't be helping myself. But most importantly, I wouldn't be helping Jesse.

I'd finally relented and taken a herbal remedy to help me sleep. To get me off into the land of dreams without a problem. Fed-up of tossing and turning for hours, before I would finally succumb to tiredness. Only to find myself waking an hour or two later, sweating and panicked. The large bed cold beside me, and the room dark and oppressive. Then I'd be wide awake and the vicious cycle would start all over again. Sleep for a couple of hours, only to wake myself up.

But with the help to sleep, I could wake feeling relatively refreshed and ready to face the long day again. Atleast until the realization that Jesse wasn't there and that he wasn't going to be, for as long as he was away. That was the consequence of having to need help to sleep. It would leave me a little fuzzy and for a short time, I would forget. But it only lasted until I rolled over to notice the other side was empty. No Jesse.

It was this that would make me get out of bed. I didn't want to lay there, blinking back the tears again. To wallow in my own grief and fear. I was tired of crying and feeling exhausted. Fed-up of trying to pretend I was okay and that I held so much hope. Frustrated beyond belief, at seeing the concern and worry in every-ones faces when they looked at me. I was emotionally and physically drained. Wanting to crawl away to a dark place and not resurface, until my life was put back together and everything went back to normal. I just wanted to forget for a short while, that I wasn't being torn to shreds on the inside. That I genuinely was happy and the small slither of hope I carried, was a raging inferno.

But I didn't. I carried on with my calm and confident persona I showed to the world. Smiling and laughing to show I wasn't really crying and screaming on the inside. That I didn't notice their looks as I passed by. Or their whispered words to each other when they thought I couldn't hear. I didn't want to bubble over with fake enthusiasm for someone else. It was tiring and so frustrating, my clenched fists would ache and spasm when I released my hands from their subconscious grip. Then the bout of anger would pass and get pushed back and forgotten again.

The suppressed rage, loneliness and sorrow, were all twisting into an ugly darkness, I was completely terrified I wouldn't ever be able to escape from. That I'd be caught in and unable to deny. Growing with each day and each stare. The silence around me even seemed to feed it. The little things I took for granted, adding to the fray. But it was the knowing of how I'd become, when I couldn't go any further. When I feel trapped and pushed to far, that made the fear and terror double.

Eventually, there was going to be a breakdown. And I wasn't sure I would be able to overcome it.

I'd always been independent and self-sufficient. Even when I was young. I could be cocky at times. Back chatting to my mom, giving the teachers hassle. But I was confident when it came to things I was sure about. When it came to myself. I knew how the world was. I didn't take any disrespect off anyone. Not the kids at school, who could try and pick a fight. And not from people, who thought they were better than me. I knew how to protect myself. Emotionally as well as physically. I hadn't always been that way. But after my father died, I knew then, life threw you some harsh lessons. And the only way to overcome them, wasn't to let them beat you.

It had just been my mom and me for so long, I acquired an independence and maturity that belied someone my age. Growing up quicker than I should, but it was the only way to protect myself. I learned to cope with difficulties and problems myself. My mom tried to help, but we'd gotten ourselves into such a routine of pratically being best friends - rather that mother and daughter - that I never turned to her, unless it was necessary and needed. I learned to stand up to the world, even when it seemed to turn its back on me. That trusting myself was the most important thing.

I stayed that way, even when my mom shipped and moved me to California. Taking me away from all that I had ever known and loved. Pushing more hard lessons on to me. Making me come to terms with a new state, a new family and a new school. It was a chance for me to sink or swim. I could of given in and wallowed in my grief and anger for being taken away. But I didn't. I saw it as my chance at a fresh start. Of being able to become the person I had always wanted to be. Of having the opportunity to be the carefree teenager I never gave myself the option of being. I could be a whole new person.

And for a while, I was.

But when you get heartbroken and burnt a few times too often, old habits resurface and bad traits come back. I put that barrier back up around myself. A invisible defence, I was determined not to let anyone cross. Trust had to be earned. Patience had to be given to both sides. And love wasn't given out freely. It took time and understanding. If a guy told me he loved me too soon, I ran. If he became to clingy and possessive, he was thrown. And if he couldn't handle that I wasn't a china doll, to be protected and guarded, it was his loss. It was just one disaster after another. And I began to wonder if I was too picky and self reliant. If I would ever find that happily ever-after, every girl wants deep down.

Until I met Jesse.

He tore through my defences and barriers, like it they were wet tissue paper. Shredding through it without any problem. And I didn't realize he had, until it was too late. He left me bare and vulnerable. Feeling weak and helpless. But he never took it for granted. He never manipulated or used it to his advantage. He brought out the deepest and most hidden parts of myself to the world. Showing me of who I could be. The way I had given up on and believe I wouldn't ever find. He taught me so much, without even trying. He had me before _I_ even knew he had. But not once, did he hurt me.

He was everything in a man I had never been with before. Attentive but not too crowding. Affectionate, but didn't push it too far. Loyal with my secrets and dreams. Trusting with my heart and my soul. And so loving, I didn't know it was possible. But most of all, he was patient. He understood my independence and the insecurities that ran below that. He accepted the way I was and was willing to go as slow as I wanted. Knowing it would be worth it. He didn't shower me with compliments and words, he thought would make me smile or get what he wanted. He held back to tell me he loved me. Waiting until he knew I was ready to hear and accept it.

He knew I loved him, before I had realized or accepted it myself.

Jesse wrapped me in safety and comfort. Cherishing and worshipping me. Making me feel special and the only one in the world, without having to hardly do anything. He didn't have to tell me he thought I was beautiful, because I saw it in his soft gaze anyway. Of the way he would look at me, making my defences and old habits crumble even more each time. And he never asked for anything in return, but his trust. I saw traits in Jesse, I would have said were weak and foolish. Habits that would leave him open and vulnerable to attack. When really, it was myself that was weak. I was the the one who had been lacking severely. And in the process, the one who had been unintentionally hurting myself.

It was Jesse who made me who I wanted to be. Who had enough confidence, love and patience, to see through to the real me. The me that was neglected and hidden. Scared. Who had been wanting to break free, but had no help. I couldn't deny Jesse and I found I didn't want to.

It was because of Jesse, I let the slither of hope carry on burning for him. That I held onto his promise and his love, expecting and wishing for him to come home again. I knew if I gave up now, that it would feel like it had all been for nothing. How far we had come, how much we had been through, all the happiness and laughter we shared. It was all going to shatter around me. We deserved more than that. _Jesse_ deserved more than that from me. It was for him, I got up in the morning and carried on as normal as possible.

I made the effort to smile, see friends and family, because I made my own silent promise to him that I would. I put the energy and time I used to keep my real feelings and fears from being on show; and put them towards living and waiting for him. The need to creep away and ignore the world and pretend it wasn't really happening, was put on hold and discarded. All for Jesse.

And it was for the man I love - with every fiber of my being - that I pushed my plate of untouched food aside; and pulled up the energy to go and answer the door that day. I hadn't known who was coming to visit me, or why. And right up until I saw the bright smile to stretch across Jesse's sisters' face, I didn't very much care.

Her knock had sounded loud and echoing in the house that seemed larger and more empty since Jesse left. His larger than life personality and deep genuine laughter, wasn't around me anymore. Our happiness and new memories, weren't bouncing back to me. Or if they were, I certainly wasn't open and alert to them.

It was that empty hallway I started through, to reach the front door. My footsteps getting quicker and quicker with each second. Pulling me down the hall with urgency and expectation. I didn't know whether it was because I knew, that this particular visit was important. Or subconscious fears of being in the house alone all of a sudden. Just like it is when your a child, coming down the dark stairs at night and the hairs on the back of your neck rise, because your convinced there is something chasing you. Something unseen, watching your every move. Making your pace hasten and charge.

And that was exactly what I did. I ran to the front door. My heart racing in my chest. My breathing shallow and frantic. All for reasons, I had no idea for. I seemed to reach out and grab the handle in slow motion. My hands forever reaching forward to that link between my darkness and the world outside. Hardly feeling the cold brass handle in my hand, before I pulled and swung the door wide open. The sunlight blinding my vision temporarily. It took me a couple of seconds to blink back the white spots and to focus on the person nervously standing before me.

The first thing I noticed, was movement as I looked down and saw her leg jigging impatiently where she stood. Her twitching hands clasped tightly in-front of her. Wringing a tissue over and over again. Reluctantly I raised my eyes to her face, seeing her thick dark hair, curling and cascading down past her shoulders. The honey gold highlights looked natural and off set her tan complexion perfectly. I watch, breath held as she chews on her lower lip anxiously, her eyes wide and dark behind her sunglasses. Not letting me see any of the emotion or reason to her sudden visit.

I saw no explanation for why I couldn't seem to be able to breath properly, the longer I stood there in silence with Marta.

But eventually I did break the tense quiet. The time it took for me to access her appearance and my own reaction was only short seconds. But it felt like hours. Time and fate dragging out our meeting and making me start to fear the worst. _'I would know if something happened to him,'_ I silently convinced myself. _'I would know if he was gone. I would know if I wasn't ever going to see Jesse again._' I let my mind say it again and again. A running mantra I can't keep up with. I need to keep it going. I need to believe she's here for any other reason, than that possible truth.

"Marta," I croaked, sounding choked and breathless. I cleared my throat before starting again. Sweeping my arm past me, using it as an excuse to avoid her eye contact. "Hi, come on in."

She quickly stepped past me in to the foyer, not uttering a sound. But her hand is raised to her mouth, chewing her nail nervously. I begin to panic again. Because Marta _never_ chews her nails. She_ never _doesn't have something to say. She's always the bubbly energetic one. The person everyone wants to be around, because of her infectious personality and happiness. She's the light that enters a room and makes everyone look up to see.

But now she was standing before me; silent, nervous and anxious. I used the time closing the door, to get my breathing under control, before I turned to face her again. When I do, she's not there, but standing in the living room waiting for me to meet her there. My steps are slow and timid. Frightened to be standing in her nervous space. I didn't know if I wanted to hear what she had to say. If I wanted to be pulled into her cocoon of jumbled energy. I suddenly wanted to be away from there. To be anywhere else, than being beckoned into my own living room.

"How you doing? Do you want a drink?" I quickly ask, gesturing down the hall to the kitchen, my speech rapid and jumbled. Not making any sense, but trying helplessy to delay the inevitable. "Coffee? Tea? A cold drink? I've got plenty in the fridge. Or I could make you something to eat. You hungry? I don't . . . mind . . ."

"Suze," Marta said, taking her sunglasses off and placing them on her head. The look of pity in her eyes makes me take a step back and narrow my own stare. I don't want pity. I'm _tired_ of pity being thrown my way. I don't deserve it and I don't want to feel it. But I know my anger isn't at the emotion being sent my way. It's because I don't know _why _she is looking at me like that. She's made no indication if its good or bad news. She hasn't done anything to reassure me otherwise. So why was she looking at me like that?

_'Because she understands your fear,'_ my mind supplied for me.

That thought made me stop short. Making me halt in my frantic pace to exit and look away from her. Stilling the need to run-away from what's going to come. But it's her next words, that actually make me walk to where she was beckoning me. Her hand held out for me to take. "Suze . . . please . . ."

I cut the distance to her, quicker than I had intended. I wanted to go at my own pace and give myself time to work out why her tone sounded like that. I didn't take her offered greeting, but she reached out and took my hand in her own anyway. Holding it tight and not letting go. Her warm grip persistent and supportive. I can feel the first signs of tears prick the backs of my eyes, as my throat tingles and my nose itches. I fight them off though. I don't want to break down again. I can feel my heart racing in my chest and my breathing start to pick up.

_'Please be okay, please be okay, please be okay,' _running over every other thought_. _I swallowed down the lump of emotion, rising with the tears. Subconsciously trying to pull my hand away so I can cross my arms. A pointless try to protect myself.

But Marta held strong. Finally finding her voice and breaking our tense silence. Stopping my effort of trying to pull away. Of avoiding her intense and open stare. I held my breath and let everything drop away, when I saw it in her eyes. It was there before she said the words. "_They've found him. They've found Jesse. He's alive_,"

And that was all I needed to hear.

The breath I'd been holding, made my vision grey. Blurring it to nothing and making the world drop away around me, as I swayed on my feet. Her words came to me thick and slow. Hardly making much of an imprint on my slow mind. They reached me distorted and corrupt. Tiny droplets of truth, dropped on a stream, causing the ripples to stretch out and swallow me in the tide. My heart was drumming a crazy beat, making me lurch and tremble. I could feel a warmth flow down my cheeks, but I didn't know where it was coming from. I lifted my free hand to wipe at it hesitantly, but when I pulled my hand away to look, there was nothing there. I couldn't see anything through the blur in my eyes.

I couldn't think of anything, but those words sinking deeper and deeper into me. Making me shake harder than I ever thought possible. I could hear a voice coming through. But I couldn't make out the words. The sound was familiar, but I was too shocked and shaken to understand them. What more did I need to hear anyway? What more could I be told, that I hadn't already felt?

I felt anothers hands pull me, so I was looking up. Looking up through the blur and into someones eyes. Into an expression of concern and worry. A slight hint of panic shadowing her gaze. But deeper than all of that, is the flare of hope. That is what I lock on to. That hope, that means something. That is proof and real. A reality that was true. And it's only then that her words come together and echo around my mind. They steal the breath I was already holding, from me again. Making me cough and wheeze.

But through the whole of that, the mantra is flowing. Growing stronger with each thought and impact. "_They've found him. They've found Jesse. He's alive_," I don't need anymore than that and the damn is breached. The next thing I know, my body is being wracked with huge gulping sobs and tears, that make me shake with their intensity. All the pain and grief I had been feeling since the day he left. Since I found out he was MIA, and having to prepare myself for the worst. Since Marta had stood at my door, making me think the worst possible nightmare.

All came rushing out, in a display of complete relief. It was unstoppable and hard to keep away. I vaguely realized my blurred vision was due to my tears. That the warmth I felt, was them over spilling and falling unbidden down down my face. I reached out for the arm extended and laid on my shoulder, needing some kind of grounding, to get myself back in control. But it did nothing but make me worse. The vague recollection, that it was Jesse's sister who was seeing my display, was the only thing stopping me from trying to tumble out of the room and to privacy. She pulled me in close and together, we shared our tears of relief. Both holding on to each other, as our tears and laughs slowly subsided and stopped.

_'Jesse's alive...'_ running through both our minds.

We shared out moment of relief for a while after that. Both laughing and sobbing. I didn't care how I looked, or what weakness I had just allowed myself to show. Because right then, it just wasn't as important. The information she was telling was. I couldn't get enough. I wanted to know everything. When did they hear? Where is he? Is he okay? What happens now? All tumbling in a torrent of questions that didn't really make any sense. Marta couldn't answer them all. But that was okay, because there was nothing more important anyway.

And the two weeks I had to endure, before I was able to see Jesse again, was slow and torturous in its own way. The only relief; was that he definitely was coming home. That there wasn't anything holding us back this time. Nothing coming between us. I just wanted to see him. I just wanted to be able to run my finger through his scar in his eyebrow. To trace the line of his jaw and feel his soft thin lips on mine. I wanted his strong capable arms wrapped around me and never to let go. I wanted to look into his eyes and see the familiar love and devotion he always had on show, for my eyes only. I didn't wish for anything more than that.

Which was why I find myself, where I am right now. Sitting on the top step of our porch, looking out at the footpath before me and the street, that hopefully would have Adam's SUV driving down soon. Every large car that came over the distance, made my heart hammer in my chest, expecting it to be them. I'd sit out here throughout the night if I had to. I couldn't stand sitting inside alone. Leaping to the window each time I heard a car slowing as it drove past. I was driving myself crazy with the anticipation and the need to see him.

I wanted to be sitting here, as I watched his dark thick hair rise out of the car. As he stood to his full height and gazed up and over the house that belongs to us. Noticing me standing and watching for him.

I waited alone for Jesse. I had offers of his family to be here with me. Of friends wanting to be there. But I turned them all down. I didn't want any more spectators to be watching us, than was necessary. I only wanted to be here to greet him. To selfishly, let him only have eyes for me. Just how it used to be. How I _need_ it to be. But still it felt like I'd been here hours, watching for Adam to pull up. Always waiting.

And it was only when I saw his SUV drive down the road, slowing and pulling to a stop at the curb in-front of me, that a part of suddenly wanted someone here to support me. Silently berating myself for making me go through this agonizing part alone. I couldn't see through his dark tinted windows. But I knew, Jesse was sitting there, looking directly back to me. His eyes locked on mine. Because I could feel them. I could feel the heat and weight of his gaze boring into mine.

I slowly rose to my feet, not breaking eye contact the invisible man behind the window. My hand gripped the smooth wood of the railing beneath my palm. Lending support of its own kind as I caught my balance where I swayed in anticipation. I took one hesitant step forward, but then stopped. To frightened to go any closer.

I watched in slow motion as the passenger door opened. A strong tanned arm holding the door steady. Then the rest of his body emerged. Long muscular legs swinging out and landing on the pavement softly. Followed with his well defined chest and broad shoulders emerging, rising to his full height. His dark wavy hair was just how I liked it. Long enough for me to run my hands through it. He looked casual but deadly in the sunlight beating down on him. I slowly raised my eyes to land on his own burning stare. Ignited full of everything and directed straight at me. I couldn't pinpoint one emotion from the next. It was all there. Everything I knew that was in my own.

He stood looking at me, as long as I did him. Neither making the first move towards each other. To scared it was an illusion to have even tried. But then his arms raised, and he held them out and open to me. An invitation, I hadn't known I had accepted, until I was running down the footpath and into his eager arms. Forgetting everything but the man waiting for me.

I ran into him with such force, I knocked him back a step with my impact. Throwing my arms around his neck and pulling him in tight to me. But just as quickly I heard his hiss of pain in my ear. And the sudden remembrance of his broken ribs - that I had just ran into - made me drop my arms and pull away from him with a horrified expression on my face.

"Oh, God!" I exclaimed, my voice hoarse and choked with unshed emotion. "I'm so sorry! I for - "

But I never had the chance to finish my sentence, because Jesse pulled me back into him. Cutting me off from my horrified apology and wrapping me in his arms tighter than before. Not caring about his wounds or his pain. And I couldn't do anything, but melt in his hold instantly. Never feeling so safe and protected, as I did right then. I could already feel all the negativity and sorrow start to wither away. I felt him bury his nose in my hair, tightening his hold on me, if that was even possible.

"No," He breathed. "don't. It's alright. I don't care, I just want to hold you, _querida_."

Biting my lip at the sound of that one word, I had been aching to hear for so long; I let my head rest against his chest, unable to stop the tears from escaping anyway. Soaking his t-shirt straight away. Like I said, I could never deny him. I've been waiting for this moment, since the day he left. Now I had it - literally in my hold - I wasn't giving it up for no-one.

Not this time.

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_**A/N 2:**_ Like I said, sorry. If I try to tweak this anymore, I'm gonna end up scraping it, lol. Thanks for reading though, please review** :)**

**_Anonymous Reviews:_**

**_ellie -_** Hello! Thanks for taking the time to drop a review **:) **I really appreciate it. I'm glad you're enjoying this and like the detail. It's certainly a challenge for myself, lol. The last one was fun to write! I like Nate, I think I'll keep him, hehe. I hope you enjoy this one too. Thanks again! **:D** Take care, **x**


	5. Chapter 5

_**Disclaimer:**_ Please see first chapter for disclaimer.

_**Rating:**_ T

_**A/N: **_Well, I didn't expect it to be as long as this, lol. But oh well. I think it was worth it, and I hope you do too. Thank you so much for the tearful response on the last one. I didn't think it would get you so choked up **O.O** I wonder how you'll manage_ this_ one then **:D** Enjoy!

Oh, Megan...how was your B-day? **:D**

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_**Confessions In The Moonlight...**_

I didn't want to let Susannah go. To release her from my iron willed hold, and let her get away from me again. For days I've been pinching myself, trying to assimilate the fact that I was going home and back to the woman I belong too. And after too long of being away, I didn't want to let go now. I needed to feel her soft body, held tight against my own. To feel the lukewarm tears coating my t-shirt and growing. Just running my fingers through her silky hair, was doing wonders to making me relax and take in the moment. I could feel her heart beating a tempo, much like my own. I knew the sun was bearing down on my back, warming me further. But not as warm as the woman, clutching onto me as much as I was her.

I ducked my head and buried it in her neck. Inhaling her scent that is purely Susannah. I felt the smooth surface of her skin on her neck beneath my lips. It had been so long, since I was able to do this. To lose myself in such a tender and heartfelt moment. My memories didn't do her justice. I could pull as many images and feelings to my mind, but looking back; they were just blurred and dull. Holding her like this now, was all I wanted and needed to feel. I dropped a small kiss to the side of her neck. Just below her ear and one of her sweet spots.

The shiver that raced through her and the sigh that echoed that, was all I needed.

Pulling away from her, I took Susannah's face in my hands and met her eager and feverishly intense kiss, with one of my own. Both frantic and desperate to memorize the shape and feel of each other, all over again. To lose ourselves in our essence and time together. The world dropped away around us, leaving only two united souls, locked in a passionate embrace. We battled for supremacy and control. Both aching to feel more. But when we finally broke away for air, I could see no lust or power in her eyes. Only love and a deep-set relief. Both echoed and reflected in my own.

I met her lips once again. Unable to stay away. But this time, our kiss was slow, tender and loving. Everything that is woven into and around us. Magickal and featherlight. Never needing more and never needing less. Everything we couldn't say, was said in that one action that would of made a blind man cry. I traced my thumb along the line of her jaw. Letting my hand smooth over her skin and into her hair. Her own hands were locked tight behind my neck, playing with the curls at the nape of my neck. A sensation and action, that was so familiar but missed. I wanted to stay in his moment and captured memory forever. But again, the need for air made us pull away.

I let my head rest against hers. Looking down deep into her eyes. Her breathing was heavy and laboured from our passionate reunion we just shared. While her lips were swollen and red from my assault. I let the pad of my thumb run over her lower lip and up to her damp cheeks, wiping away any errant tears that tried to escape. Smiling into her glistening eyes. Full of unshed moisture, waiting to fall. A testimony, to just how happy she was. She looked back at me with as much sentiment and emotion as I held for her. Each only seeing one another. I watched entranced, as Susannah bit her lower lip in a vain attempt to stop the tears threatening to overspill again.

I couldn't help but place my own mouth on hers once again. Intent on smoothing away the graze her teeth had just left behind. Capturing her sigh as I did so.

But the world soon came crashing back down around us, with a bang. Startled, I broke away from my gentle ministrations and looked around me. Trying to work out what had interrupted us. But when I caught sight of a sheepish but grinning Adam, I felt my own cheeks flush with embarrassment. Clearing my throat, I wrapped an arm around a flushed Susannah and turned to see him. As slightly chagrined as I was, I couldn't help but keep the foolish grin from my own face. One he chuckled and smiled at in return.

"Thanks, Adam," I said, finally breaking the slightly awkward silence around the three of us.

"No problem," He winked at Susannah, making her smile and brush at her damp cheeks again. Ducking her head to try and keep herself as invisible as possible while she composed herself. "I'll just get your stuff, and then I'll let you two get back to your own little world." He smirked, waggling his fingers at us. His tone suggestive and knowing. Susannah rolled her eyes at his remark, while I pulled her closer to my side and dropped a kiss on her head. Still grinning with pride.

"I'll give you a hand," I said, reluctantly releasing Susannah for the first time since I had taken her back into my arms. I was instantly hit with a rush of cool air, where her warm body just was. Stepping forward I went to the boot, eager to get back to where I belonged.

"Ack!" Adam scowled, pushing me away gently. "You're injured! I can handle this. Leave it to me." Biting back the snort of disbelief, I watched as he opened the back of his SUV and looked at the three bags sitting there, waiting for collection. Crossing my arms and ignoring the pull and twinge from my ribs, I watched as he went for the smallest bag first. I knew he expected it to be lighter than the rest. But just because it was smaller, didn't mean it didn't weight the same. If not more.

So instead, I calmly stood by while he reached forward, pulling it towards him. But when he gripped the handles and took a deep breath to pull it out, I couldn't keep the small smile of amusement away. Chuckling as he lifted it out, but was instantly dragged down so the bag landed on the ground with a thump. His breathing was heavy and I could see small bead of sweat breaking out on his forehead already.

"Now will you let me get them?" I asked, stepping forward. Susannah's musical giggles came from behind me, helping to stop me from looking to his chagrined face. His pride and dignity bruised slightly. I couldn't look, too scared I would end up a laughing mess. I knew what he was trying to do. I lifted the first bag he'd dropped to the ground effortlessly. Used to the added weight, even with an injury. It was easy to learn how to ignore the pain and rapid fire shooting through my broken ribs. There's no time for sitting around complaining, when you're out there, fighting to just stay alive.

I swung the bag onto the footpath leading towards our home and turned to collect the other two. It took two trips to take my bags up to the house and into the foyer. And by the time I was back with my love and good friend, my ribs were throbbing and aching even more. But I was reluctant to take the pain medication, because of the effects I had to endure. Being drowsy and slightly confused. I wanted to be awake for as long as possible. Pain be damned.

"Thanks for the ride," I smiled to Adam, stepping forward and clapping him on the shoulder. Giving him a manly hug. "And don't worry, I won't tell CeeCee of the reason to your bruised ego." I smirked quietly, just before I pulled away and joined Susannah's side again. His narrowed glare and slight sneer, had me chuckling all over again. Another pull on my breathing, but it was worth it to see his face.

"It's good to have you back, Jesse," He smiled a moment later, turning to Susannah and giving her a quick one armed hug. "Don't tire him out too much, Suze." He smirked. Cackling when I reached out to take a half-hearted swipe at him. He laughed all the way to the driver's side of his car and as he got in and started it up. Not letting up the whole way. He always did see himself as a joker. But it was hard to stay mad at him. I was in too good a mood.

Waving to him as he drove off down the road, beeping most of the way, I finally turned back to the beauty at my side. Unable to resist laying one quick, lingering kiss on her inviting lips, before pulling away and looking up at the house we had made our own.

"Come on, _querida_," I cajoled, pulling Susannah along. "Let's go home."

"Gladly," She replied, wrapping her arm around my waist and hooking her fingers into the loop of my belt. Matching my powerful stride, for one of her own. As eager and willing to get back to our haven as I was. I wanted to wander around our home, looking for everything and anything. I had been away when I was in the Military before. And coming home, was usually as uneventful as leaving. But this time was different. This is our home, that we created and built upon around us. There was too much for me to miss. Too much for me to deny myself, as soon as I walked through the door.

I had been to see my family on the way home. I wanted to see them, before I returned to Susannah. I knew they would of been just as concerned and worried as Susannah was, when I was declared MIA. They always had fretted and worried for me, even if I was just away on exercise. But stopping in to reassure them all that I was okay and well, was the only thing stopping me from coming straight home. Having my families warmth and protection around me, was just one piece of the whole I needed to make me feel complete.

Susannah was the biggest.

Seeing my family first, also reassured me I could spend the next couple of days, just being home. Letting me be able to spend my time with Susannah and with no interupptions or intrusions. We needed to just spend our time _together_, for a while. So I could get settled back into my life I had missed so much. So I could pretend for a while, I hadn't been anywhere. That I hadn't seen too much.

When the front door clicked closed behind us, I let out the long held sigh of relief I hadn't even realized I had been holding. My shoulders relaxed and I felt so content, I didn't want to move from my position in the foyer. The house still smelt the same. Fresh and welcoming. The light of the day still shone through the windows and played across the rooms, no different to how it had done hundreds of times before. The furniture still looked comfortable and in its right place, even from where I was standing. The kitchen was large, warm and inviting. One of my favourite places to be when I was home. Begging to be used and soon.

I knew without asking, that Susannah hadn't been using it to its full potential since I had been gone. I didn't know whether to be worried or humbled by this. With only one quick sweep over Susannah, I could see that she had lost a little weight. Nothing too dramatic, or even noticeable. But I saw it anyway. I bit back the question sitting on the end of my tongue. I didn't want to spoil this. I could ask her all the questions I wanted later. It wouldn't be too long and I would have her back to eating properly in no time. It was one pleasure I took delight in. Cooking for Susannah.

Turning to the stairs, I couldn't help but let out a tired sigh. My body craved sleep and rest. My ribs making their displeasure at so much activity and strain in such a short amount of time. Without realizing it, I wrapped my arm across my chest. A pointless action, of trying to ease the discomfort. The burn that had erupted when Susannah threw herself into my arms, was getting worse with each breath. I wouldn't tell her that was the reason though. It was just as much my fault too. Pulling her back to me, tighter than the first time. Then to lift my bags, that I knew weren't light. But which I did anyway. I now realized, that was a vain attempt to prove something to myself.

Obviously, I wasn't healing as quickly as I would have liked.

My mind was weary from the de-briefing I had received when I had gotten back to my superiors. Grilling me for three days straight. Question after question, drilling me over and over again. I knew it was needed, but I was just so desperate to get home. My frustration with their endless de-briefing had been starting to show. And still they hadn't decided what to do with me yet. Then there was the journey home. It was easy to forget what had happened, to have gotten me in such a tired and painful state. I was too wrapped up in getting back and fulfilling a promise I made, to someone special.

The pain from my injuries must have shown on my face, because Susannah critically let her eyes rove over my pinched expression. Trying not to let too much of my discomfort show to her. But she knows me, just as well as I know myself. And trying to hide something like that from her; was futile and worthless. I tried not to shrink away from her knowing look and gave her a disarming smile in return.

"Do you want some pain meds?" She asked, tracing a finger down the side of my face. Making me relax and lean into her touch. Just that simple action was making me feel better already. I pulled her back into my arms. Happy to be just standing here and holding her for a while. She had been standing at my side and watching me take in our home again. A small smile on her own face. But as soon as I had sighed, she had instantly been on the alert.

"No," I replied, resolutely putting my reserved energy into action. "They make me drowsy. I don't want to sleep," I all but pouted. "Not yet."

"There's no point staying in pain, Jesse," Susannah retorted pressed against my chest. Her stubbornness stronger than my own. I knew I was going to lose the fight, before it had even begun. "And you don't need to keep fighting off the rest, either. You're home now. You can sleep as long as you want," She pulled back from me a little, her eyes softening and filled with understanding. My will shattered around me. "I'll be right there when you wake up."

I had no argument after that. Seeing she had won, Susannah got to routing through my back-pack and pulling out the prescribed pain medication, Dr Sullivan had given me. Leaving my bags and anything else I brought back with me, by the front door; we slowly climbed the stairs. By the time we reached the top, I was panting for breath and felt like a sand bag was sitting on my chest. Restricting my breathing. I knew this was mild. I got off lucky. I could have punctured a lung. But as it was, I only have a few broken ribs and the feeling like I couldn't breathe properly.

But I was alive. I didn't need anymore luck than that. Susannah was doing the rest.

I looked to Susannah, who was trying to hold me up as much as possible. Seeing the worried and concerned frown on her face, I gave her a reassuring smile and tried to ease her fears. "It looks worse," I wheezed. "than it is, _querida_."

It was a few seconds before Susannah nodded her head in reluctance. I gave her another wry smile, dropping a kiss to her head again. Leaning on her a little more. She took my weight appropriately and guided me down the hall and to our room. Pushing open the door with her foot, I smiled at the room that was as welcoming and comforting as the woman wrapped to my side. Just like down stairs, everything was still the same. Ready and waiting for me to come back to it. Just like Susannah had been.

Guiding me across the short space, I eased my self down onto the soft mattress. After a week of the hard bed in the hospital in Iraq and then time spent in the infirmary at base back here; sinking into this featherlight mattress was heavenly. I already knew I was going to get the best sleep I had had, since before I left. Quickly shedding myself of my shoes and socks, my energy too spent to do anymore; I took the offered glass of water and pills from Susannah. Downing them quickly. They wouldn't take long to take effect. Coupled with my already tired state, I knew I wasn't going to be awake much longer.

Slowly, so I got the full benefit and so the mattress would mould to me once again, I laid down on the comfortable bed. Holding a hand out for Susannah to join me as I relaxed and my head grew foggy. "C'mere, _querida_." I beckoned.

She didn't need telling twice. Careful, so she didn't jolt my ribs, Susannah laid down beside me. Stretching out and curling into my warmth. Using my arm as a pillow, she crept as close to me as possible. Laying one hand over my heart and relaxed into my side. Adding to my already content and comfortable state. Fighting off sleep was becoming harder and harder to achieve. But I just wanted to relish in the fact I was home, just a little while longer. To get the imprint of her with me, firmly placed in my memories and my mind again. Only then, did I succumb to the tiredness.

But just before I fell completely, I felt Susannah's soft lips brush my cheek. Followed by her softly whispered words in my ear. "I love you, Jesse," This time when I fell asleep; I didn't imagine and vision Susannah in my mind. Because I could feel her held close to me, the whole time.

xXx

The days and weeks that followed my return all blurred into one. But I took it slowly. There wasn't any reason for us to rush. We had all the time in the world now. While my ribs still weren't completely healed, they were better than what they had been. I took the medication reluctantly, but had it all the same. Susannah didn't stray from my side too much during that time either. The first couple of days were mostly spent holed up in our room, almost like before. Only venturing out, when we decided we needed the fresh air and the stars.

I slept alot at first. The stresses of my mind and body taking their toll all at once. Leaving my sleeping patterns and time clock, all over the place and slightly haywire. But Susannah was always there when I fell asleep and smiling at me when I woke. She seemed to need the rest just as much as I evidently did. I knew she probably hadn't slept very well since I left. Worse even since she and my family were told I was MIA. But judging from the sleeping pills in our bathroom cabinet, she needed help more than I thought. I knew how scary and frightening that must have been for them all. But so much worse for Susannah, in so many ways. Although she would never say it.

Looking back, I should have known something was wrong from the beginning. The signs were all there, but I was too blind, or unwilling to see them. At the time, I was too caught up in the feelings and excitement of being home. Of being back where I belonged. I wasn't out there, fighting for my life and constantly wondering how Susannah and my family were. Imagining there distress and grief if anything happened to me. The added pressure of making sure my team were safe, was a burden I took seriously and gladly. The pressure and suspense that was humming through us all. Jostling and picking each other up. I never let them see the strain. Only taking theirs upon me too. But then to have that all stripped away and put back where I felt safe again; it was leaving me a little disconcerted and dazed.

In fact, Susannah hardly said anything about the time while I was missing.

The subject would come up often while I was visiting my family and friends. Some eager to know what it was like, out there on the front line. Some asking inappropiate questions. Some delving deeper than I was overly comfortable with. None knowing of the covert and dangerous situations I had been placed in. But thankfully, there was always someone around to break the tense and awkward air that would descend when I swiftly changed the subject. But one question was asked quite often, _'How did you get through it?' _My heartfelt glance at Susannah, or pressure and grip on her hand, would be all the answer I would give. I fought to come home to them all too. But Susannah was the main reason. She was who I wanted to build a life with. Nothing was going to change that.

But each time the topic was broached, I noticed a change or a shift in Susannah. The way she would avoid my eye contact for a short time. Or the way she would pull away from my hold with a mumbled excuse, or unnecessary action. I chalked it up to the attention that would suddenly being diverted to us both. Normally, she wasn't one to shy from attention. But when it was on a subject so close to her heart, she avoided it at all costs. I let my mind use that as a cover to the truth I didn't feel ready to face just yet. I let her have her space at first. I knew this was the only way for Susannah to really cope. That it was her defence to protect herself.

But as time moved on, she became distant.

To an outside viewer, they wouldn't of noticed. They wouldn't of been able to detect the frown lines around her mouth. The way she would stiffen and purse her lips anytime even _I_ tried to broach the subject, or ask her what was wrong. The way her hands would clench into tight fists, like she was struggling to keep her emotions in check. How she would leave the room, or sometimes avoid me all together. She was never hostile, just quiet and withdrawn on occasion.

She was waging a silent war in herself, but I had no idea how to help her win. Her affection and love never dwindled though. Never stopped flowing to me. They were still clear and easy to feel in her eyes and her touch. Moments and knowledge like that, was what kept my concern for her at bay. She still slept wrapped in my arms. Still smiled at me, each time I was caught staring at her. Still kissed me whenever she felt like it.

Only there was a shadow present in her eyes now. Not directed at me, but at herself. And it was only with patience and will, that I let her carry on with her silent war for as long as I did.

Too much had happened while I had been away and so little had been said about it. I knew we needed to talk. To clear the air and say all that we had been keeping from each other. This had to be done before we could move past everything and try again. We _needed _it. I knew our life wouldn't be completely the same as it was before. It never could be. But I was determined to make it as close as possible. Not just for me, but for Susannah too. The disasters that had transpired, wasn't an easy thing to go through. For either of us.

I knew before I returned that there was going to be a lot of tears and emotions flying around. That we would have to work through many things, before we got anywhere close to right again. We needed to talk to each other. To go through it together and not separately. I didn't want us to grow apart. For the unspoken to turn bitter and unacknowledged. Constantly put aside each time it became to difficult to bare. That wasn't how I dealt with my problems. I know men have a reputation for not being in touch with their feelings and emotions. Of avoiding emotional issues. And around many of my friends, that would possible be true. But I was raised to have an open and honest relationship with my family. No matter how hard or painful the problem was.

This was no different. But it took a lot of courage for me to admit; that for a short time, I had hoped we wouldn't need to. I know now, that is was a foolish thought. But it didn't stop me from hoping.

It was my up-bringing and my own innate stubbornness that had helped me understand and cope, when it came to Susannah. For the longest time she wouldn't let me in. It took me a while to break down her barriers and allow her to trust me. But once I did, I never wanted to look back. Not after I had caught a glimpse of the true soul beneath the cloak. I have always been honest with Susannah. I never tried to hide anything from her. And where sometimes, she holds her own inside and is reluctant to share them; I still stand-back and wait for her to come to me. Before I had left, she had been much more willing and open with me. Something I was incredible grateful for. I never pushed her, but was as patient as she needed me to be. The old barriers and defences I had worked so hard to destroy, were crumbling more and more each time.

But there were some cases, when she needed to be pushed.

One of the things you hear when you're in the Military, is the rumors. Whispered comments about soldiers from the past and present. Of their hopes of their lives returning back to normal when their tour had finished. Expecting a wife or family waiting for them when they returned. Betting that when they got home, everything would be as it was before. But it was often said, that that belief was unrealistic. They who held such confidence and assurance, that they didn't need to voice their fears; were the ones who would often find themselves with nothing. I have worked and fought beside some of the strongest and most stubborn people I have ever met. The kind of people, that would hold on tooth and nail to their pride and life. But sometimes its those people, who come off worst. Because they were too proud and indulgent, to see there was a problem waiting in the shadows.

I once served beneath a Colonel, who was strict but just. His eyes held a pain long forgotten and untold. When I had first joined the forces, like many people who want to fight for their country, I was brave and confident. I wanted to make a difference. Make the world a safer place for my family and friends. I had believed, that the only person who needed the concern and comfort when I returned from a particularly gruelling and long tour, was myself. I being the one who was laying my life on the line. But my strict CO had soon put me in my place. He had given me the wisdom of his words, that still echo around my mind today. The evidence of his wisdom lurking in his eyes.

_'It isn't just the soldiers who suffer from the affects of going to war. Its the families and loved ones who are back home, trying to keep it together, so you have something to return too._'

I took his words to heart and never questioned them. Hoping that one day, I would never need too. It gave me a better understanding and new perspective of how I saw what I was doing. How I was behaving and seeing my duty. And right up until I met Susannah, I had believed I would never need to live through the same ghost that haunted my old CO. I didn't want to face the horrible and possible truth of Susannah having to suffer too. So I had left the forces and given myself something better. A chance of a new life with Susannah. Believing I was clear and that she was safe.

But when I received that letter, it was all I could do not to mutter the words that had been spoken long before. Because the evidence of that truth is staring me right in the face. But worse still, is that I know Susannah well enough, to know what will happen if I let the situation continue as I have been doing.

Which was why; I wasn't going to do that to myself, or her.

xXx

It was late at night, when the problems between Susannah and I came to light. The glow of the moonlight was streaming would our open window. Bathing Susannah in a ethereal glow as she slept deeply beside me. Illuminating her features and her form perfectly. Giving me access to being able to see her and to bask in the warmth and image she made. Our sheer curtains lapped at the window, the breeze billowing it slightly. Dancing in the still of the night, to a unheard song.

The sounds of the quiet house echoed around me. Floorboards groaning beneath an invisible weight once pressed there. The sounds of the water running through the pipes from their overuse earlier on in the evening. The crickets outside the window chirped and sang to themselves. Enjoying the peaceful silence the world had been descended into. The sound of a distant owl, as it stalked it prey adding to the tranquil sounds of the midnight hour. Everything running by a different pattern and tune, to the waking world during the day.

But the peace that was gliding all around us, wasn't felt in myself. And I could see just by looking, that it wasn't in Susannah either. Even in a deep sleep, she was tense and riddled with unspoken pain, that she didn't show to anyone. Or tried to hide at least. I suspected what her waged war was about. But I needed_ Susannah _to voice it herself. This was something I couldn't do. Something I couldn't voice for her. She needed to tell me of her own volition. And maybe, in her own time. But that had run out. We have been through too much, to walk away now.

I refuse to give in.

I knew I should have been sleeping. My ribs still ached and hurt slightly. The pressure I had been putting them through. An over exertion I shouldn't have been enduring so soon. I had weened myself off of my strong pain medication. Battling the ache until it was unbearable before I took anything. Just like I hadn't then. I used my twinging pain and throbbing, to keep me awake and alert. That was what I needed right then. Not to be falling asleep at the drop of a hat.

I was laid out on my side, facing Susannah as she laid on hers. Inches apart from each other. My arms felt empty where I had moved away from her. Just watching her sleep. Letting my eyes trace over her every line, curve and feature. I knew she would be waking soon. Feeling her own emptiness without me there. I took comfort in the fact that she needed me, as much as I needed her. But unable to wait or to resist, I reached forth my hand and let my finger slowly and softly trace the line of her jaw. My thumb skimming over her cheek and down the side of her neck. My caress was gentle and light. But still she sought out my touch sub-consciously.

I watched entranced as she slowly woke. Her breathing becoming more regular and evening out. She didn't stretch or move. Only stayed where she was, her hand resting on the cool mattress between us. I fought the urge to lay my own hand on top of hers. To give myself the soothing and reassuring action. But I wasn't ready to yet. Slowly Susannah's eyes opened. Sleepy and dazed. Blinking away her fog covered mind and becoming more alert and awake. Her sparkling eyes meeting my own across from her. Her mouth tilted into a sleepy and timid smile. Seeing and noting the intense and sincere look in my gaze.

I knew my eyes held a anticipation of something yet to come. As reassuring as I tried to be, I could feel it didn't hold back the unease I felt myself. But still Susannah didn't shy away from it. Neither of us said or made a move. Both watching each other in the moonlight. Sharing everything between us, save for the hidden secrets and emotions, I was hoping for her to show or tell me. I wanted to rid her of the guilt I saw flash across her face. To cool the anger I knew that was running deeper, being fuelled and increased each day. Something that had been sitting dormant for too long already.

But it wasn't long, before I broke the quiet, holding us in its talons.

"Talk to me, _querida,_" I whispered to the eerily silent room. Terrified I would break the spell hanging over us both. "Tell me what's wrong."

Susannah didn't blink. Only pursed her lips firmly together. The lines around her mouth deepening with my words. She understood what I meant. I didn't need to elaborate or explain them. And I knew she expected them. I could see it in her eyes. A small hint of relief, that finally she would be able to release her burden. But it was overshadowed with that looming defiance and need to be independent. To not rely on someone to make her feel better. She gave me the answer, I knew I was going to receive.

"It's nothing."

She knew as well as I did, that her words were empty and without weight. That it was a try and a ploy for distraction. A hope that I might back down to her. Even though, it was clear I refused to this time. Her mind and her heart were saying two different things. Her mind telling her to run, to not admit defeat or allow the hurt. But her heart pleading for help and the suffering to be taken away from it. My own gaze told her of my disbelief at her answer. Making her give me a wry smile in return.

"I know you, Susannah," I retorted softly, smiling to take the edge off my words. Not wanting to back her into a corner. But at the same time, knowing that's what she needed. "I know there's something you're not saying. Talk to me. Don't try to push me away," I pleaded hoarsely. "Not now."

"I'm not," She defended, a little shocked at my words. But it wasn't shock of what I said, but of what I _knew_.

"You are," I smiled sadly. "And the sad thing is, you don't even seem to realize you're doing it. I know how you become when you start to feel trapped, Susannah. I know when you're hiding something. Please," I asked. "don't keep doing this to yourself. We've come too far." I let the weight of my words settle around us. Watching as Susannah absorbed and understood all I was trying to tell her. Of what I was trying to make her understand.

"It's only me here, _querida,"_ I whispered. This time, I did reach out and take her hand laying between us. Curling my fingers around her small hand. Anchoring her to me and to the now. "No-one else. You don't have to pretend for me. I don't _want_ you too," I implored her with my eyes. "_Trust me_."

She released a gentle sigh, but did nothing to pull away from my touch, or avoid my eyes. I kept the hope that came with her reluctant admittance, at bay for a while. We weren't there yet. But I took it as a good sign. That maybe she would be more receptive to me. More willing to talk. I kept quiet, my time for speaking gone. All I could do was watch, listen and comfort her, to the best I could. I didn't want anything to come between us. I didn't want our first real test, to fail. There was too much between us, felt and seen on both sides. I couldn't lose that now. Just like I couldn't lose Susannah.

Deep down, I knew she didn't want that either. And that it was only adding to the burden. But this problem, wasn't something that could be brushed aside and forgotten. It was something that could build, grow and leave more devastation in its wake, than it already has.

For minutes we laid in complete silence. The raging battle being held in Susannah, was seen in her eyes. Unknowing where to begin. Or too frightened, in case she couldn't stop. But eventually, she started speaking. Her words coming out so quietly, I had to strain to hear her. I tightened my grip on Susannah's hand, but made no other move towards her.

"At first," She began, her eyes falling to our joined hands. "I was angry. Angry at everything and everyone for something like this happening. You being taken away, me having to deal with it. All the pitiful looks of understanding, that no-one really had. It was deep rage that just kept getting worse and worse. I didn't know how to stop it, and I sure as hell didn't want it.

But it wasn't just anger at the world, or at our friends only trying to help me," She frowned, lost in her own inner-torment and pain. Reflecting over everything she has probably never spoken or expressed before. "It was directed at you, too. I was furious you would leave me. That there was a possibility you were never going to come home, and I would be left alone to deal with all this. To pick up the pieces by myself. Stuck with having to pretend to everyone I wasn't hurting as much as I really was. Unable to really say or scream what I really felt. Because the one person who I could say it too, wasn't here."

She broke off, squeezing her eyes shut tight against the phantom pain of that possibility. But at the very real memory of how close she had become to it. Trying to keep her voice steady and even. I could feel my own need to reach out and soothe her, close to losing control. But as this point, I knew it wouldn't be welcome.

"And a part of me," She continued. "wanted to hate you for that. For making me feel vulnerable and dependent on you. To the point, when I couldn't imagine what I was going to do, if that . . . possibility happened. I wanted to hate you for leaving me," She paused, opening her sparkling eyes and looking right at me. I saw no trace of hate in her eyes for me. No contempt or disgust. Just a depth of anguish, guilt and terror. "But I couldn't. Because the hate I held for myself, was worse. I was so selfish to think of you that way. To be so swept up in my own grief, that I couldn't see how much worse it was for _you_. How you were fighting to stay alive and keep a promise," Her voice trembled. "I hated myself, for not having enough faith in _us_, to bring you home."

I carefully kept my face expressionless. Taking in everything Susannah was saying. I felt no anger towards her words. No truth in her simple belief, that she was the only one to blame. Because I knew the real cause. I knew the real seed, that had been planted and left to grow uncontrollable. The one thing, that she had either neither known, or didn't want to believe.

Susannah gazed back at me, her eyes filled with tears that teetered on the edge of her long lashes. The moonlight shined in the tracks of her tears, shed for me, for her and for us. I didn't hold back then. I reached forward and drew Susannah to me. Letting her sob into my chest as I held her with everything I had. Closing my eyes tight against the confession she had just shared. Against the pain I knew she was feeling, because I felt it myself.

"All I want to do is scream and shout, because it's hurts too much not too! Because I've left it so long . . . that it's turned into _this_! And I'm sorry, Jesse," Her muffled cries came through. Her body trembling with the power of her sorrow. "I'm so sorry I did this to you."

I hushed and soothed her. Holding Susannah while she rode out the pain and terror she had been feeling, since I walked out our door and left her behind with nothing to hold on to. I felt my own guilt for leaving her to feel that way. For leaving it so long, before I pushed her to talk to me. For feeling my own hate for myself at not being able to protect her from herself and her fears. I buried my head in her hair. My own silent tears dropping to her silky locks while I did everything I could, to make it all better. To take some of her own grief, and laden it onto me. To give her a reprieve and a release. Letting it all come tumbling out between us.

Held tight, finally voiced and brought forth.

When she was calm enough and her sobbing had quietened to small hiccups, I pulled away slightly. My arms still wrapped around her, but enough to be able to look down in to her clearer shining gaze. Sharing a look of tender affection and understanding of everything that had just been said. She didn't deny my love, but welcomed it, as she let it weave and curl around her. I lifted a heavy hand from her back and stroked her hair away from her face. Clearing the tears that still fell every so often, with my feathered touch. My eyes darted all over her face, memorizing the beautiful angel in my arms. As if seeing her for the first time. Eagerly taking in her open and loving stare.

Before I broke the silence around us.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, _querida_," I uttered. My voice sounded dry and choked, but still I carried on regardless. "There wasn't anything you just said, that needed your apology for. I understand your hate and your anger. I accept everything you felt and thought, because I know the underlying reasons for them. Why you believe what you felt," I cupped her cheek in my hand, my finger tracing down the side of her temple. "You were scared."

Susannah opened her mouth to deny it, even though I could see a dawning clarity enter her eyes as I spoke the words. But it was what I said next, that made her look me at differently. What opened up the forbidden gates, I had held them behind. Foolish enough to believe, I didn't think I would need to face it. But it was the one thing holding us back completely. The last thing, that was going to make the difference and be the ground that we based this all on. That helped us both to move on. Together.

"I know," I whispered, leaning in until our lips were only a breath apart. "Because I was, too."

There wasn't anything else I could have said, but that. To have faced the truth and the pain head on. To not let it beat us, or to let it win. We were stronger than that. I knew we were and so did Susannah. But circumstances and affliction from such an ordeal, didn't banish the nightmares so easily. We had each other to love and cherish. To express, show and help each other. We could lay in each others arms, saying our words to one another and let the physical, put aside the emotional for a while.

But that can only last for so long, before it no longer helps and only adds to the trauma. We never should of waited. _I_ never should have waited to tell Susannah of my own fear while I was away. That I felt it every second of everyday. When I would think of Susannah, unable to reach out to her like we both needed. I had put it off, time and time again. Until it couldn't be held away any longer. The only saving grace, was that we had tackled and banished it, before it really had of gotten too bad. Before I lost Susannah and myself in the aftermath.

We spent the rest of the night, expressing and defining our love for each other. Caressing and whispering in the hours, of our affection and devotion. Our silent apology to both sides, forgiven and started to be laid to rest. Saying - as we so often did - how much we cared for each other in a silent communication. Using that final level of physical closeness and connection, to fulfill and complete our emotional night. Until we were sated and content. Laying in the moonlight that slowly receded until it was being replaced with traces of a new day and a new life. Laid in each others arms and this time, not holding anything back, of how we had felt and thought in our time apart.

No matter how painful or hard it was to bare.

We had reached a whole new level, that no-one could possible tear us apart from. Sharing a memory and a moment, that I couldn't deign to believe anyone else has ever felt before. But no matter the distance or the chore that may or may not befall us in the future; we knew it didn't get better than this. And together, we made a whole new promise to ourselves. That we were determined to keep forever.

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**A/N 2: **I think I've just met my angst quota of the year, lol. I got to the end and thought, maybe I should leave it there. But then I had a lil idea for one last chapter. So if you're up for it, I'll do one more. But no angst this time. I don't think I can handle it **:) **Thanks for reading, please review!


	6. Chapter 6

_**Disclaimer:**_ Please see first chapter for disclaimer.

**_Rating:_** T

**_A/N: _**Well, this is it. The end. Whoo! Thank you so much, for putting up with my crazy, roller-coaster and nutty journey on this. Weird how a little oneshot idea, that was written in the early hours of the morning, would turn into this! Lol. It's all good. It was definitely an experience, I'll say that, hehe.

_**Thank you . . .**_ **_Moonlight Silhouette, Hot n' Exotic, LossOfSurroundings, Satellite Falling, Moondancing Millie, GeekdomBeckons-88, I want to be Jesse's girl, ellie and Kaytee Jay!_** And of course to the wicked readers and the like, who faved this story and me **:gasp: **in their faves. You all rocks! And deserves choccie and huggles! **:D **Hehe!

Enjoy this last, cutesy chapter **:)**

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**_Kisses of Untold Promises and Unconditional Love..._**

I rushed around the kitchen and the living room, like a headless chicken. Picking up and then placing back down pieces of life that seemed to be littering my house. My hands full of restless energy I couldn't seem to get rid of. I was trying to make the place look more presentable than it already was, for the party guests. That - hopefully - would be arriving in a couple of hours. It was a useless effort though. I was pretty sure it was going to be a complete mess by the end of the day anyway. But I wanted everything to be as perfect as possible for Jesse.

I knew it was only a barbecue and party, to celebrate Jesse's return and signing off from the Army. After months of waiting for them to decided whether he was going to be shipped back out there or not, they finally gave him a medical discharge. Which meant he was free of the military. For good. The final call and sign off had happened a few weeks go. He travelled up to sign the official documents, give back any gear he might still have had and was released. I was swamped in relief he was definitely home to stay now. So considering everything was going much smoother now and that everything between us was going perfectly; we thought it deserved a celebration.

And the fact I was dying to show off my engagement ring also helped.

Jesse's proposal to me, was a welcome and completely heartfelt surprise. It was everything I imagined it would be. Not overly done, nothing flashy or over the top. It was just perfect and all I could of asked for. The tears that tried to come, but that I managed to hold at bay, were reflected back to me in Jesse's eyes. Happiness, relief, joy, love. It was all there, waiting and beckoning for me.

The evening and proposal was so romantic and perfectly us, it made me smile just remembering that magickal evening...

xXx

_He had sprung a surprise of cooking a wonderful meal for me. Something that had filled me up and left me satisfied and delirious with how perfect a man, Jesse is. Serving me a dessert that was extra special and delicious to my senses. Not unlike Jesse himself. A chocolatey heaven, that had me aching for more, but too indulged to ask. For both Jesse and the treat._

_But it was our time afterwards that was the most special to me. We laid before a roaring open fire in our living room, with me wrapped in his arms while I lazily watched the orange flames climb the walls behind them. Our only source of light in the dark room. Adding a warm cozy feeling to the atmosphere and the world around us. Our comfortable silence was only broken by the soft sighs of contentment being breathed from me._

_For hours after our dinner we laid there. My back leaning up against his chest with his arms snuggly holding me around my waist in a secure hold. His chin resting on my shoulder while we sat on cushions strewn all over the floor. Whispered words were exchanged between us every so often. Slipping through on a sigh. Barely a ripple in the moment. I was slowly dropping further and further into a comfortable relaxed slumber. Safe and just where I always wanted to be. The world forgotten and just Jesse and I occupying it._

_His soft lips had brought me slightly back to my senses. Playing across my skin in an ancient dance, that left me sighing and melting into him more. Caught between wanting to curl up in his arms and drop into a restful sleep. Or to let his lips rove further once again that night. Reaching out to me further with his caresses. But it was my mind and body, both craving the same thing that helped me choose; Jesse. _

_My hand had crept up behind his neck, weaving into his thick wavy hair. Letting my nails crawl over his sensitive flesh and down the back of his own neck, while he continued his assault. My skin tingled where his lips brushed featherlight kisses along my throat and across my jaw. Trailing up to my ear, until his warm breath brushed across it. Making me shiver and tremble in his hold. Half lost in a dazed and desired world. Waiting for his next target as my arm grew heavy and fell to rest on his own. Letting his hand trace lazy circles on the smooth skin of my stomach._

_His words had come to me on a faraway fairytale, every little girl dreams of hearing one day. When she finds her own Prince Charming who sweeps her off her feet and rides off with her into the beautiful sunset. Dazed and overwhelmed with the beauty the land and sky could hold. All because of that one person, who made the sun shine through the darkest day. Waiting for him to make the world perfect and safe for her. Protecting her from all the evils and the pain. And from herself. Wrapping her in his love. Only wished for her. _

_"Be mine forever, querida," _

_His voice was timid and shy. Almost reticent to his words. But there was an undercurrent of courage and confidence that added strength and sincerity to his promise. Love and faith in me. In us. It made the breath halt in my chest and my mind clear away the fog instantly. Rousing me from my desire. His words spoken so softly to me, that it instantly caused a lump of emotion to rise in my throat. _

_Slowly, I turned in his arms. Gazing up at him beneath my lashes. The firelight dancing and flaring across his face. Allowing me to see his dark eyes perfectly. Letting me see the swell of hope and love there. Waiting for me to find him through the mist. And I did. He was all there. Open and willing to allow me to see. The fear of his rejection. The trust in us. His faith in the future that lay before us together. His sure confidence and belief in me and our devotion. He laid himself bare for me to see it all. His eyes, a window to his soul._

_He held nothing back._

_I had felt and encouraged a slow sensual smile to grace my lips as I looked up at him. Basking in all he felt for me. Absently wondering if there was ever anyone else in history, to have ever felt the overwhelming emotion and torrent of unconditional love that was being passed between Jesse and myself, in that very moment. If there has ever in time, been two people who love one another, as Jesse and I feel together._

_I liked to think there was._

_My hand raised and laid across his flushed and warm cheek. An absent finger tracing through the scar in his eyebrow. Brushing over his cheek. Before guiding him until he was looking directly at me and causing the distance from my lips to his own, that much shorter. I sent back everything I could possible give him. Throwing and enforcing it with every breath I took. Telling him with my eyes and answering with my sure voice. Replying and laying his fears to rest. And so setting a course for the future, towards us. _

_"Yes," _

_I had no chance to say anymore than that, before Jesse claimed my mouth as his, all over again. Sweeping me away as if it was for the first time. His kiss was gentle and loving. So tender, I quaked for more. Slowly, he guided me until I was laying stretched out across the floor. The heat of the fire warming one side of my body. But that was nothing compared to the fire I felt as Jesse gazed down at me; resting on his hands above me. His lips hovering over my own and smiling a delightful smirk. His eyes held such treasure and worship, I couldn't do anything, but surrender to his and my own need._

xXx

The glisten my engagement ring, caught from the sunlight had me pulling myself from the memory of that night. I was twisting it around on my finger, turning it this way and the next. A habit, I had instantly picked up. It wasn't large or extravagant. But it was perfect and just what I would of expected from Jesse. It looked so right, I had to pinch myself each time I looked down at it. Still trying to assimilate the belief I was going to get married. We hadn't set a date yet. But it went unspoken between us, of not leaving it too long. He wasn't going anyway again. But still, that hidden fear was always there.

And after going through one of the toughest, most heartbreaking scenarios a couple could experience; it was the right time. Neither wanted to wait. Getting married - even though it's only be a piece of paper and a ring - was the final step for us. And maybe in the future a family of our own. But right now, we just wanted to concentrate on us first. We're still young. We have plenty of time to think about children and everything that comes with it.

Besides, the practice is always fun.

Getting my mind out of the gutter and back to the present, I looked around our spotless kitchen. The food that didn't need to be prepared on serving, was all in the fridge, waiting. The beers Jesse had stocked up on, were piled in there too. The rest, including the wine and other beverages, were sitting in the shade, in a bucket fulls of ice and water. Keeping them all cold for the party goers. We had been trying to decide whether to just go for a house party in the evening, or to go the whole hog and have a barbecue first. Just to make it a good one. It didn't take much thought, so we went for the second option.

If its one thing we learned through all of this, it's that you may as well enjoy the time we do have together. As cliched as it sounded, it rang true each day.

I'd been differing around restless for the better part of the morning and into the afternoon. Everything was ready and waiting. Even though it was going to be a while before people started arriving. But the empty echoing house was making me nervous for an unknown reason. I knew the feeling wouldn't last forever, but it was unnerving in moments like this. I was craving for a distraction, other than twiddling my engagement ring and stacking then re-stacking the paper cups, (better to play it safe). I'd put the music on low, letting it fill some of the void, but I was still restless.

I was just about to go out to the backyard and soak up the sun for a while, when the doorbell rang. Interrupting the stubborn quietness and nervous energy I was harbouring inside me. I all but ran to the door, looking forward to some company. I knew it wasn't Jesse, for obvious reasons that he wouldn't ring the bell. And it was too early for the guests. But it was someone. It could have even been the postman, I didn't care. Just to see a friendly face was all I wanted. I let the click of my low heels carry down the hall. Following me as I swung open the door with a welcoming and eager smile on my face.

So it was with shock, that I came face to face with an equally smiling expression and disarming twinkling blue eyes. I nearly laughed at his own equally grinning smile at me. My eyes instantly carrying up the tall stranger in front of me. His hand holding a bouquet of flowers, that seemed to glow and shine as bright as his smile. His dishevelled brown hair gave him a roguish and slightly boyish look, that made my fingers itch to pat it down for him. He was good looking and he knew it.

I would of known who it was, even if I hadn't of seen photo's of him.

"Good afternoon, Ma'am," He drawled in a overly charming tone. "Is this the De Silva/Simon residence, by any chance." Although by the humorous look in his eyes, he knew he had it exactly right. Curious and feeling too light to knock him off his own pedestal, I played along.

"That's right kind, Sir," I innocently replied, letting my smile dissolve slightly, to stop myself from laughing too soon. "Would you care to step inside?"

"Well don't mind if I do," He nodded at me stepping through the door I held wide open for him. Coming to his full height before me. "Thank you. Am I assuming you are the Lady of the house, Ma'am?"

"Why yes, Sir," I said, feigning shock that he knew. "You would be correct."

"Well," He grinned, bowing to me. I fought to hold in my humor a little longer. "in that case, Ma'am; these are for you." And he handed over the bouquet of rich colours to me. Pleased with himself that he managed to surprise me slightly.

"Oh, my!" I exclaimed lightly. The laughter was rising closer and closer to the surface with each second the charade carried on. "They are most lovely kind, Sir," I took in a huge breath of their sweet scent. "That was most gracious of you." I met his twinkling blue eyes properly this time, and that was all I needed. I couldn't hold my laughter in any longer. The ridiculousness of the conversation and prim behaviour was just too much. And far too over done. But it was perfect and hilarious too.

We both let out large bouts of laughter at the same time. Our combined looks of amusement being our undoing, as we stood in the hallway of mine and Jesse's home. My sides hurting while tears ran down my cheeks freely. I was so glad I wore water-proof mascara that morning. I just knew I was going to end up crying for some reason or another. And I was beyond relieved it was due to laughing too hard.

The guy had charm and character oozing out of him. He was relaxed, calm and so in-tune to the atmosphere and people around him. Not that you would recognize it by looking at him on first glance. But I'd heard a lot about him from Jesse and there was no-way I was going to miss a beat with him. He was witty and sarcastic. Cheeky and mischievous. And I liked him already.

Once we managed to get a hold of ourselves and we calmed down a little, he held his hand out to me. "The name's Nate, darlin'," He grinned, shaking my hand firmly. "It's good to finally meet ya, Susannah."

"Suze is good," I replied, pulling my hand from his cool palm. "And it's nice to finally put a face to the name. And the stories." I laughed. Any other person would have cringed at being told some of the horror stories Jesse had dished to me, about Mr. Nate Brooks. But not him. He just grinned unashamedly and looked all smug. His personality was infectious and I'd only been around him a very limited time already.

"Come on through, Nate," I said, throwing the door closed and leading him down the hallway and into the sun lit kitchen. "And seriously, thank you for the flowers. But you really didn't have too." I threw a quick smile at him as I pulled out a vase from underneath the sink. Filling it up with water to place the flowers in temporarily.

"It was nothing. The 'least I could do for Jesse's gal," He nodded, brushing off the gracious remark and turning it into humor. I knew I was going to be accepting a lot of that over the next couple of days. Or duration of his stay. "Speakin' of," He broke off, looking around him as if expecting him to pop up out of nowhere. "Where is my good buddy?" He moved to sit at the breakfast bar, swinging himself up onto the stool effortlessly.

"Jesse's gone to get some more coal for the barbecue," I replied absently, placing the flowers on the other counter-top and away from danger. "Just in case it's needed. Can I get you a drink?" I asked, going to the fridge and pulling out a bottle of orange juice for myself. All that laughing had left me with a parched throat.

"Beer would be good, please," He smiled charmingly. I rolled my eyes at his boyish behaviour and pulled out a chilled bottle of beer for him. I picked up the bottle opener, already out ready and took them over to him. "Cheers, darlin'," Uncapping the bottle, he instantly lifted it to his lips and downed a good portion of the beverage in one go. Breaking away with a contented sigh. "Ah, that hits the spot." He chuckled.

"Just as well we have plenty more," I laughed lightly, leaning against the opposite counter lazily. "So," I began. "how was your trip down here?"

He waved off my question bored. "The usual," Then he turned his suddenly bright and intense blue eyes on me. "Come on then," He waved, beckoning me. "let's see this rock Jesse laid on ya," I narrowed my eyes at his simple way of putting our engagement. But as soon as my eyes found his own, I could see he genuinely was happy for us. It was just Nate's way of playing down a potentially awkward situation.

I walked over to him, holding out my left hand and the glistening ring for him to see. "You mean the perfect symbol of his love for me and our soon to be marriage, don't you?" I gushed, suddenly struck with a devilish imp on my shoulder. Something told me he wasn't the settling down type of guy. And would run a mile if marriage or even an engagement, happened to be brought up. So I played on it, oh so sweetly. "Isn't it beautiful," I cooed going all girly while he eyed it and me suspicously. "I was _so_ shocked! But I can't _wait _to get married to Jesse! He's my Prince Charming!" I swooned, fighting not to laugh at Nate's horrified expression.

"Er," He looked really uncomfortable. "yeah. Each to their own and all that." He quickly replied, shifting in his seat and downing the better portion of his beer that was left. This time, I did outright laugh at him. Surprised he would take me seriously and that the mere thought of marriage, had him breaking out into a cold sweat.

Once I got over my outright mirth at him, I couldn't help but rubbing it in a little further.

"Did you seriously fall for all that?" I giggled, shaking my head at him in mock disgust. "I'm ashamed, Nate. I heard better things of you. I could put it down to the long travelling you did, I guess. Or even the beer you just downed. But I can't help but feel a little disappointed, that the great Nate Brooks got psyched by a girl." I sighed dejected. "What is the world coming too."

I looked back at his shocked face. Openly gawking at having had a stunt pulled on him, without him being in the loop. And at being trashed by someone, he had literally only just met. Before his face broke out into a wide grin and he laughed heartily along with me. Shaking his head at his own disgust for himself. His pride - surprisingly - seemed to have hardly got a dent.

"Well, I'll be!" He chuckled, winking at me. "Damn you're good! Not many people would've been able to pull that off. But you had me going for a minute there. Nicely done!" He stood up and extended his hand to me. "My respect for you has just gone through the roof. You and Jesse definitely deserve each other." He smiled, relaxed and calm again.

I took his hand shaking it in return. I knew I had just won a battle, most wouldn't of ever have been able to win. I couldn't stop the smug happiness I felt, at being accepted and respected from Nate. The need for acceptance of me - from any of Jesse's friends - never happened to me before. It was Jesse's opinion I wanted. His friends that didn't like me, could go stick their heads in a blazing fire for all I cared of their views of me. So it was surprising and shocking, to realize Nate's acceptance and blessing of me, meant so much.

"Thank you," I replied happily. "I'll take that as a compliment."

"Good," He smirked. "It was meant as one," Just like I expected, he looked around me to the fridge again, breaking the possibly tense air to come to us. "Now how about another? A hit to my ego like that, only has one cure; beer."

"Sure," I acquiesced, smiling. "You deserve it I guess." I retrieved the bottle and handed it over to him. Throwing my own empty bottle of juice in the recycling trash. I heard the hiss and clink of his bottle cap and was about to say something else; when I heard the front door handle jiggling in the hall. I turned to Nate, who paused with his bottle halfway to his mouth hearing the sound too. I saw something evil come to his eyes, that no doubt had something to do with Jesse. But I narrowed my stare at him in warning before he could even get up. He gave me the kicked puppy-dog look in return, that no doubt has had many woman dropping to their knees before him. But I was immune to that look.

Unless it was coming from Jesse that is.

I turned just in time to see the object of my desire come through the door. His hands holding another crate of beer and a plastic bag full on unknown items. Obviously leaving the coal in the car, he beamed at me as he pushed the door closed with his foot. I was helpless to stop my own delirious smile in return. Ignoring Nate's fake gagging from the breakfast bar at my smile. I'd get him back for that later. I knew a certain red headed intellectual, with a photographic memory, who could talk the pants off the most flexible and relaxed people. Oh yes, Nate Brooks wasn't getting off that easy.

"Sorry I took so long, _querida_," Jesse smiled as he made his way to me. "The queues were really long. But I picked up some mor - " He broke off as he came into the kitchen, catching sight of Nate happily chugging down his second beer. His cute smile, blossomed into full-blown pride as he took him in.

"Nate!" He exclaimed unnecessairly. "I'm glad you came," He set the crate of beer on the counter and dropped the plastic bag next to it. Going and meeting Nate's welcome. They did the usual, one armed man hug, clapping each other on the back before pulling away.

"'Course I came, buddy!" Nate grinned in return. "I wouldn't miss this shindig and offer of free beer, for anything," He laughed. I shook my head at their antics. Stepping back and out of their way, so they could have their manly moment. Jesse had told me what had happened in Iraq. Of how he got his injuries and his recovery in hospital.

But he'd also told me, of Nate's unwavering loyalty and trust when it came to fighting side by side, when he had been in the forces before. Jesse spoke so highly of him, it was hard not to see Nate in the same light. So I let them have their moment.

"And I finally met ya gal. No wonder you've been hiding her from me for so long," He continued, winking at me. Jesse stepped away from him and gave me a huge proud smile. Holding his arm open for me to step into the comfortable and rightful place and letting me join them. "She's practically my equal! Floored me before I was even in the house five minutes!" He smirked, watching Jesse's goofy smile as he gazed down at me. "And I see she's got ya whipped. Shame bud. I guess I'll have to live the bachelor life alone from now on." Not that he looked that upset about it.

"Hey, you can call it what you want," Jesse replied, unfazed by Nate's jibbing. "I'm happy. I don't need anymore than that." He leaned down and kissed me full on the lips. A lingering touch that had me clutching at his shirt and breathless when he pulled away. Unfortunately I was pulled back from my daze by Nate's rolling eyes and sickly noises at our affection.

"You just wait, Nate," I said knowingly. "You're going to meet someone one day, who you'll fall head over heels for too. Then it's bye-bye bachelor lifestyle. And you won't even know it's happened, until it's too late."

"Pft," He snorted, brushing off my claims. But I knew it got him more rattled than he was letting on. "Not if I can help, I won't." He chugged down some of his beer, while I gave Jesse a knowing look. He nodded back at me smiling. _'Got it in one_,' his eyes silently said. "Now, where's that food, I'm starving!" I laughed at his sudden exclamation. He's such a guy.

"Why don't you both go try and work out how the grill works?" I suggested. We brought it new and especially for the party. Of course, being a man, Jesse had to have the latest gadgetry thing, while still keeping it rustic. Getting them to go out now, might actually mean food will be ready by the time most people have arrived and start getting hungry. Besides, it gets their macho quota of the day out of the way.

"And I'll put this new batch of beer in the fridge, so it's cold for you, Nate." The way he was steadily making his way through them now, I was beginning to wonder if Jesse should of got a little more, just for everyone else.

"Great idea!" Nate beamed, spotting an opening when he saw one. "You heard the little lady! Let's go, bud!" Scrambling off the stood, Nate grabbed his beer and made off for the french doors, leading out into the decking and yard. His steps light and carefree. Just like him. He made quick work of the doors and then he was suddenly gone. His loud cheers and whistling from outside, echoed back to Jesse and I, still standing in the kitchen and gazing after him.

"Well," I said quietly, breaking the strange silence. "he's everything you said he was. And more." I blinked away the odd scene I just watched and looked up at Jesse. Seeing the most content and soft smile to grace his face, making me melt just looking at him.

"Yeah," Jesse murmured, looking down at me and turning to wrap his arms around my back. "he's definitely something, all right. It's good to see you both get on so well, _querida_. It means a lot to me that you like him."

"Jesse, I wouldn't care if he was the _Hunchback of Notre Damn_!" I answered, wrapping my arms around his neck. "What matters to me, is that he's a good friend to you. Even if you hadn't of told me war stories of him, I would still openly accept him in our home, because it's important to you." I received a murmured _'thank you'_ across my lips, before he crushed them with his own again. Teasing and igniting my senses with his delicious taste and feel. Making me relax and lose myself in a dreamy world of Jesse. Just like he always managed to do.

I would of been swept up in it more, if it hadn't of been for Nate, knocking on the window from outside and effectively interrupting us.

"Put her down, Jesse!" Nate called, half laughing and half chastising. "You've got the rest of ya lives for that monkey business! Come and enjoy the freedom of your free life, while ya still can, buddy!" Then his smirking face disappeared and all we could hear, was the heavy breathing between us and Nate's loud chuckles from the yard.

I sighed, laying my head on Jesse's chest. "Do you want to kill him, or should I?" I teased. I felt Jesse's chuckles at my statement rumble through his chest. "Laugh all you want now, Jesse. But if he interrupts us another time when it really matters, you won't find it so funny then." I lifted my head seeing the impact of my words settle in his eyes. The look of horror to cross his face was all I needed.

"I'll talk to him," He replied instantly, pecking me on the lips again, before he let me go and made quick work of going after his mischievous friend.

Spotting something he forgot just as he was about to go out the french doors, I grabbed it and called out to him. "Jesse! You forgot something," And then I threw it at him, where he caught it deftly. Giving me an questioning look as he pulled it apart to see what it was. "I expect only me to have that right, mister." I smiled, watching the dawning light come to his face as he read the apron that read, _'Kiss The Chef'._ He grinned, shooting me an intense and heated stare, before he disappeared out the doors.

Sighing once again, I turned and leaned up against the kitchen island. Looking down at my perfect engagement ring. More content than I had ever felt in my life.

xXx

The party had kicked off to a great start. After I left Jesse and Nate to try and manage the grill, I mixed between watching them and finishing what needed to be done as last minute tasks. But their loud voices echoed to me quite frequently while they were out there. Nate kept up the steady supply of beer going to him. Jesse joined him not long after. I knew he could handle his alcohol well. But I had a feeling Nate would be falling to the couch, rather than the spare room later that night. The guests had started coming and swarming us quicker than I expected. But they were all welcome and only added to the electric and buzzing atmosphere that was surrounding our house and backyard. Laughing, joking, jostling and just generally having a good time.

There were only a few tears shed, when my mother and a couple of Jesse's sisters' caught sight of my ring. We'd gone and seen them a couple of days after he proposed. But this was the first time any of them had seen the ring. And just like I expected of them, they '_ohhed_' and '_ahhed_' over it. Most of the men looked on with confused expressions. Trying to work out why woman got into such a girlish mess, when something like engagements and babies come into the conversation. I just shared a secret and private look with Jesse over it all.

Our one look passed between us, meant the most.

As for the barbecue, Jesse had valiantly tried to be the cook. He'd been quite looking forward to it actually. Being able to play host and everything. That was until my step-dad, Andy stepped in and took over. All but pushing him aside and telling him to relax and enjoy the party, that was mainly for him. He tried to protest of course, using the, 'but you're the guest', speech. But Andy had none of it and took over anyway. I think Jesse was kind of relieved, as he'd been trying to fight off other peoples claims of help too. He started to relax and enjoy the party after that.

As the afternoon slowly started to dwindle into dusk, the party didn't die down. The wine and beer had been flowing freely all afternoon. But as twilight started to set in, it slowed a little. The music was pumping through the house, raising everyones spirits even more. Some having the nerve and courage to get up and dance, while the garden candles we had lining the edge of the yard, as well as the small lanterns strung along the fences; all bounced off their happy and lightened eyes.

It was hard not to laugh and enjoy yourself. I wanted to be everywhere at once. Fleeting between all my friends and family. Catching quick kisses and hugs with Jesse as we made the rounds. Even managing to dance a couple of times together. It was pefect and all I could of wanted for him and for us. The endless congratulations that we received, had my head swimming. Although the wine probably didn't help. But I hadn't felt that relaxed and happy, in such a long time.

And the glances and looks I kept catching from Jesse, had my insides turning to jello. Making me shiver with his heated stare.

Nate - as I guessed he would be - was the life and soul of the party. Tag-teaming with Adam and causing all sorts of mischief and laughter. CeeCee got Adam to tame it down a little after a while, which only got Nate more riled up. Claiming him to be whipped too. Adam had no defence, much like Jesse had earlier and only succumbed to being jibed at by Nate. But Jesse's old friend was the last one laughing when he spotted Marta across the yard. Although she had been around the whole time, it wasn't until late that he clocked her.

I watched, intrigued and slightly shocked, as Marta firmly put Nate in his place and brushed off his try at flirting. He really was being his charming and jovial self. But Marta wasn't fooling for it. And he was pulling out his best tricks, too. Normally I would of expected Jesse to step in and warn him off. On the account of it being his sister. But he and I both knew, if anyone was going to deal Nate a heady blow, it was Marta. She could take care of herself and I think that was part of the pull, that dragged Nate to her. He truly was flummoxed by her apparent lack of interest.

I think he met his match, a lot sooner than I thought he would.

The party was still going strong, even long into the sparkling night. Some guests had left, while others ended up staying for the majority of the party. Enjoying the atmosphere too much to leave. I couldn't blame them.

The night hadn't robbed us of any of the days heat. There was just a balmy haze, with a cool breeze blowing through that was just right. People were mixing between the garden and the house. Wherever they saw fit. The candles and lanterns added a cosy setting for the people dancing together on the grass. While those that preferred the cool air, but to be away with some privacy, took to the kitchen or the decking. Which was where I was. Standing by the railing, overlooking my mother and step-father dancing in the moonlight. Both lost in each other.

Much like Jesse and myself.

I could feel his eyes watching me from the doorway, leading into the house. They burned into my back, making me flush with the heat and intensity I could feel from him. But I didn't turn to look. He already knew I felt him there. And he didn't lose anytime of joining me outside either. He came up behind me and let his hands slid up and over my hips to wrap around my front. Pulling me back up against him, so I was leaning on his solid chest. I purred with contentment, as his lips found my exposed neck. Trailing kisses along the smooth column of my throat and leading up and across my cheek. Stopping at the corner of my mouth, before his left me and his chin dropped to rest on my head.

"What are you thinking, _querida_?" He softly asked. His breath stirring my hair slightly.

I didn't answer him straight away, because I had no answer. I was more than happy to just stay here for the rest of the night, looking out over the place we called our own, watching others be caught up in the magick we'd woven through it. I had no fears presently pressing upon me. No hate, no concern, nothing devastasting. Just unbridled love for the man pressed up behind me.

"Nothing," I whispered back wistfully. Jesse needed no more prompting and only kissed me on top of my head. Taking in the scene of my mother and her husband, dancing in their own world, with me. It was beautiful to see and even more special, because we felt it too. "They look so happy," I commented absently. Melting into his arms a little more.

"Yes they do," He said, his eyes locked onto my parents. "That's us, Susannah. Just a different generation." Touched by his softly spoken and true to heart words, I turned in his arms, watching the candle light glimmer and flicker in his dark soulful eyes. I didn't need to look or hunt for anything in his dark depths, because it was all there for me to see anyway. He never held it back from me. If anything, it was powered and intensified each time.

Just as mine is for him.

"Thank you," I whispered to him. Watching his slightly confused expression at my sudden words.

"For what, _querida_?" I took a few seconds to try and think of all the things I could give reason for. But found there was too many to say. Too much that had already been seen, spoken and felt. I didn't know how to sum all that up into one answer worthy and deserving of him. So I smiled and gave the only answer I could in return.

"For everything," Although slightly shocked at the meaningful and deepest sincerity of my words, Jesse accepted them like he always did. And bestowed a kiss full of heavenly delight, untold promises, future beliefs and unconditional love. Coupled, with everything, that is purely Jesse...

* * *

**_A/N 2:_** Thank you again, for sticking by this and me. I really appreciated and loved reading everything you all had to say about it! Thank you, for reading. And one last time, please review** :)** Peace out, y'all!


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